The Power of Dreams and Words
by Mileycfan4eva
Summary: Jaz's Past catches up to her, she can't handle the consequences can Adam convince her of her own self wroth? Will Adam stay beside her or leave her when he finds out the truth?
1. Chapter 1

**Title:**

 **Location: Incirlik, Turkey**

 **Date: 12/32/2017**

 **P O V: Sargent "Jaz" Khan**

" _Happy New Year!"_

All around me people on our post were shouting & dancing in exuberant celebration through drunken songs, sloppy kisses, and cheesy greetings.

God I wanted to feel that happy that carefree coughing I leaned back against the rocks overlooking the vast massive ocean, pulling my jacket tighter. My eyes watered as I watched fathers spinning their daughters high up in the air as they squealed _"Higher Daddy! Higher!"_ mothers throwing balls with their sons who all whined they were throwing like a girl. Even though it was nearly midnight the moonlight lite up the packed beach filled with over three thousand Soldiers. Many who had their families with them.

I felt the breeze of the ocean caress my check or was that tears? I couldn't be sure what I wouldn't give to change the hours of the hand. I would never have to hear those words uttered from Dr. Zoe's lips "You are Positive"

Only three words yet they held such damn power they left me feeling ashamed helpless powerless. I hated feeling this way. How could this happen to me? I've always been so careful so responsible how could one night really change it all?

The tiniest splashes let me know it was tears that I felt, wiping them away I cursed myself for being so weak. Pull yourself together Khan act like a Soldier not a wimp. Look around you everyone here has problems yet no one else is out here sitting alone on a pile of rocks crying feeling sorry for themselves.

Amir is kicking the ball with several of the kids laughing as he head butts a shot towards the end of the beach. McGuire is dancing with many women the blurry vision made it hard for me to see how many. A few of them are female Soldiers I want to shout to them warn them to be-careful because they'll get a reputation. It will follow them, it will destroy them.

I stay quite taking a long swig of my fifth or sixth beer Preach is setting up the fireworks show with the help of at least ten kids, some local some children of Soldiers. He is so good with kids it's a shame he is away from his kids. Adam is on the back of the pickup truck next to the radio blaring out Dick Clark's Rocking new Year Eve Party in Times Square I remember going to that party so many times growing up in New York City.

The dog is lying next to Adam looking at him like where's my food bitch? My eyes lock with his everything rushes back. I'm Positive those words don't just effect me, they change his life to now. I close my eyes my chest is so tight. I'll be banned from Active duty I'll be dishonorably discharged I'll be left to deal with these consequences alone he'll never leave, he's married to this damn job.

I should just jump I think looking over the edge as the waves crash against the rocks hard. Just like that girl from that play I can't remember names right now my mind is a foggy mess from the news, from the booze. He'd be better off that much I know.

My heart is beating so hard staring at his gorgeous face why couldn't something just go right for me for once? Adam is the man I have dreamed of since I was a kid he's smart, funny compassionate, tough, strong, unchauvinistic, he listens he respects, he never judges or rushes to opinion. He's perfect in short, I mean I know he's not really perfect he's human he has his faults we all do.

He's perfect for me however I love everything about him the way my small frame fits into the crock of his arm after we make love, how he kisses my head when he thinks I am asleep, how the sound of his voice reciting song lyrics of poems lure me to sleep.

 _ **Got No Direction, I'm spinning up, I'm spiraling down**_

 _ **I remember that Summer night how the moonlight glowed in your eyes**_

 _ **The heat wasn't from the summer fading sun, no it was passion so deep**_

 _ **A heist a hesitation of a first kiss**_

 _ **Sweet Bliss**_

 _ **No longer ignorant to the power of your lips**_

 _ **I can't fight it, I don't want to**_

 _ **I'm giving myself to you**_

 _ **I'm a willing fool for your magic heartbeats**_

 _ **Nothing I can do Nothing I wanna do**_

 _ **To Stop this free fall**_

 _ **I'm madly in love with you**_

His world will go on without me I love him so damn much it hurts, his eyes are full of laughter as he turns to hear whatever joke McGuire is telling so animated with his fingers. I get up slowly trying not to make too much noise so I don't alert anyone.

The waves are rising now high tide is coming perfect when I jump my body will be washed out to sea, no one will have to mourn me. I glance back one more time, I can see him so clearly his face freshly shaved after I complained his stubble was itching me when he was on top of me. One more act of selflessness a perfect example why someone like me didn't deserve him.

I love him I stare at the ocean the mist reminds me of that night in Paris when we stood on the The **Port à** l'Anglais **Bridge** **overlooking the Seine river** **which glittered in the lights of the city looking magical peaceful dreamy almost** **,** **the first night he confessed his love to me, it seems so far away now. Closing my eyes I tried to capture that feeling back, it was raining, cold yet we were laughing over something, I don't remember** **what** **but that wasn't the important part. He was holding my hand, helping me so I didn't slip I was slightly tipsy not drunk just feeling good.**

 **He held me closer as we walked the pedestrian pathway of the bridge the starlight guided us god it was so beautiful in Paris, I could picture myself living there one day, I spoke fluent French.**

 **I must have been too quite for him because he wrapped his arm around my shoulders as we stopped to take in the view of the closet city. He pulled me closer asking me what I was thinking about, I was embarrassed but he made me feel so at ease.**

 **I sit closer to the edge thinking about the conversation in my head I almost think I am imagining it. Why would Adam Dalton a Captain of one of the most Elite Armed Forces Special Units even give me the time of day?**

 **"** ** _What are you thinking about babe?"_**

 **He called me babe okay so I might feel like a school girl with a crush, breathe Khan. I smile despite my tears as I remember.**

 **"** ** _My future someday when I retire, I can see myself here living in Paris with my husband, will have two kids a girl, a boy and a cat, I'll have some mundane old job, which will bore me to tears, but I'll be with the man I love, he'll cook me breakfast in bed for no reason, he'll buy me roses just because, he'll tell me I am beautiful"_**

 **" _My little girl I shall call her Cosette she will be beautiful with her father's wavy blond hair except hers shall be long, I will probably drive her nuts trying to comb it out"_**

" _What does Cosette mean?"_

" _It's a female form of Nicholas it means Victorious people. Religion: Nicholas of Myra is a patron saint of children"_

" _I'm sure any little girl you have will be a saint"_

" _Oh your funny Adam"_

" _I think it's funny you see her with blond hair, so you already see your future husband?"_

I remember blushing damn he caught me, I could barely look at him which seemed to amuse him because he lifted my chin with his finger on his right hand, pulling me closer with his left hand which was wrapped around my waist.

"I _mean don't all girls have a picture in their mind?"_

" _I don't know Jaz I'm not a girl last I checked"_

" _No you are not for sure"_

" _So you've been checking me out?"_

" _No oh god Adam that's…._

" _Jaz it's okay"_ He laughed I was mortified his eyes glistened with amusement, forgiveness. " _I have a confession, I've been checking you out to"_

" _Wait you have?"_

" _Yes"_

" _So uh do you like what you see?"_

" _Can I show you instead of telling you?"_

I was so nervous how was he planning to show me? I nodded my permission closing my eyes hoping he wasn't going to throw me in the damn river, god he would be….softness like a baby's skin, delicate sweetness filled my dry cracked lips, oh god he was kissing me! I felt my knees shake ever so slightly my chest expand, open your damn lips Jaz make it something he wants to remember not the joke at the range. Closing my eyes I allowed myself to relax as my heart fluttered fast like a butterfly that has been trapped in the cocoon for too long.

His lips I can still feel them on my skin, in my mouth, his tongue rough yet thrilling my mouth with so many senses. Senses I have never felt or tasted before. In my whole life I have never felt that wanted that treasured, that loved or desired it wasn't about sex to him. He wanted to taste me take his time getting to know all of me.

My back slammed into the railing he lifted me up placing me on the edge of the railing holding me so tight the wind took my jacket for a ride the coat tails flying in the breeze, he never let go. I felt like Jack on the Titanic when he shouts he is the king of the world. I felt like Queen Khan of The Seine.

Now I stare down at this ocean it's not beautiful it's not magical it looks black scary like a witch's heart. Perfect for how I feel now getting up I don't care if anyone sees me. This isn't me I know it, I'm not the girl I once was.

I just don't know what to do now, I should tell him, he has the right to know, I can't. I can't say those words to him, I can't end his dream, I can't take away all that he's worked for just because of my fear, my needs.

Love isn't selfish it's forgiving Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

I'm positive of many things in life and right now I know my kind of love would kill him, he would stay with me out of obligation, responsibility, Adam didn't love me, sure he claims he dose, they all do it makes it sound better when they are on top of you. Real love though it's not something I deserve it's not something I have ever known.

Except my dreams, god my dreams are so sweet like a song, no real life is like a damn thunder storm, like this ocean I am almost in now, I close my eyes will it hurt? I hope it's quick, I don't do pain well. I glance back at Adam again, my eyes linger taking him in. He is gorgeous like a god, Oh shit he's seen me, he looks worried. Damn it Khan you messed up! Deep breathe it's now or never. Life has killed the sweet melody of a dream I dreamed. So now I kill life. Happy New Year I hope it's amazing to you Adam, I won't be here to see it.

 **Happy New Year #Bravers Hope it is good to you, 9 more days till our girl comes home. Thanks as always for the love, reviews, follows, favorites.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Title: The Power Of Words and Dreams**

 **Location: Incirlik, Turkey**

 **Date: 1/1/2018**

 **P O V: Adam Dalton**

" _Mamma?"_

" _What is it sweet baby?"_

" _I can't sleep"_

" _Do you want me to read you a story sweet boy?"_

" _Yes Please I love your stories Mama!"_

I remember as a little boy whenever I couldn't sleep mom would cuddle with me in my bed even after a long ass day of working two jobs to support myself my older brother and younger sister. She would never refuse any of us.

" _Alright baby boy once upon a time in a sea far far away lived a southern platzfish named Jazz, Jazz was always happy adventurous everyone always loved Jazz. Her Parents were overprotected. They warned her all the time not to go off too far"_

" _Why Mama Fish can swim"_

" _Yes sweetie but Jazz was too young to know how to find her way home, if she went too far"_

" _Can't she ask for help?"_

" _Sometimes sweetie there are bad people in this world who would want to hurt little girls, they lure them in for bait"_

" _Why Mama?"_

" _Because people like to eat fish"_

" _Did Jazz listen?"_

" _No baby she thought she knew better so_ _she swam off in search of an adventure"_

" _Did she find any?"_

" _Yes baby she made a few friends she had fun, until it got dark and her friends all went home, she realized her parents were right she was too far from home. This part of the sea was darker scarier"_

" _She was lost Mama?"_

" _Yes sweet boy she was lost"_

" _Oh No poor Jazz"_

" _She found her way right?"_

" _Hey who's telling this story?"_

" _You are Mama!"_

Mom never got to answer the question because my little sister Marci started wailing her tiny head off. Mom kissed my check and went to check on her I fell asleep before she could finish. That night I had my first ever nightmare I dreamed I had fallen into the ocean and couldn't swim. I was scared, helpless I felt powerless.

From that night on I was scared to death of water any body of it. After five years of it my brother got sick of my fears so he took it into his own hands one day at the beach he pushed me into the ocean. At first I was scared my dad, brother were laughing at me. I couldn't swim I kept trying to stay afloat but couldn't. I was losing the battle I knew it I was scared under the sea was so dark so cold, I couldn't breathe.

One time when I went under I pictured my mom's voice calling to me, she kept telling me to open my eyes to look around for the beauty instead of the scariness. I did I saw the beautiful corals the other fishes, she told me to trust myself.

Back then I never thought anything else would be as scary as that day hearing my dad, brother laughing as I gasped for breath, trying to swim. Of course back then I couldn't see the future to know this day this moment would come.

Diving in seconds after Jaz's body hit the water I held my breath searching for her it was nearly impossible to see under the sea. This part was dark and deep the current rough. Easily taking an experienced swimmer away quickly, my mind swam with the scary reality what it would do to a lightweight like Jaz.

" _Jaz!"_

My voice was carried away with the wind along with my hope.

" _Tops I got her!"_

McGuire's voice caused me to turn seeing him holding her against his chest as he started to swim backwards. My heart is pounding so hard I could barely see her face it was too dark, I struggled against the wind and current as I tried to get to them.

She had to be okay she just had to be I couldn't understand how this could happen? Why did it happen? Just last night Jaz had been laying in my arms after another passionate night of love making, she had been laughing, her eyes shining bright. We had laughed cuddled kissed talked about our future. She was happy right?

I remember hearing her say " _Thank you Adam you'll never know how much it means to me that I am not alone, you get me, you love me for who I am, you respect me. You've made me so happy"_

It broke my heart she shouldn't have to thank someone for loving her supporting her making her feel safe. How did she go from singing show tunes in bed last night slightly buzzed laying in the crock of my arms her face on my chest while I kissed her head, check. To trying to end her life?

What signs did I miss? How long had she been suffering? Feeling alone or scared? Depressed? she's always been so full of life. She laughs the loudest she can crack a joke faster than any of us. She's as good as a Soldier as any of us, she belongs with this team, we've always tried to make sure she feels it.

Where did this come from? Had it always been there? Did she become so accustomed to lying to everyone's face saying I'm fine when she isn't. Why didn't we see past that lie?

Did I make this too hard on her? Knowing we could never be public about our love? Didn't I make her feel like she was the most beautiful, inspiring, sexy, strong, badass woman I have ever known? Did I make her feel used?

" _She's barely breathing tops"_ I push harder getting to them grabbing her feet as we swim for the sake of our lives praying we would get to shore in time.


	3. Chapter 3

**Title: The Power Of Words and Dreams**

 **Location: Incirlik, Turkey**

 **Date: 1/1/2018**

 **P O V:** **Adam Dalton**

" _Are you crazy?" God damn it Jaz! How sick are you?"_

Not the most elegant of choice of words that I could of used for the first time talking to her she's shaking from the cold. I'm worried she could get hypothermia, she won't let us touch her. She hasn't said anything to us, she's been curled up in front of the toilet vomiting violently. She's refusing blankets, she won't let us get her out of those wet clothes. I don't want to grab her rip her clothes off scare her more.

I know I need to calm down; I can't I am so livid, I just can't understand where this came from. Why didn't she talk to us? My whole team is gathered Preach pacing his head in his hands as his eyes are filled with tears, Amir is the only one who I don't know where he went to. McGuire keeps trying to inch closer to her so he could check her out. She retreats like a cornered ally cat.

I feel Preach's hand on my shoulder I know he's worried about my blood pressure which I am sure is sky high I can feel the heat increasing in my face. I should calm down, I want to I don't want to scare her, I can see the look of shame across her face when I scream at her. God I hate myself for making her feel any worse than she must already feel.

I just don't understand. Why?

Is being with me too much pressure? Did I pressure her in any way? Is it just too much sneaking around trying to find little moments to sneak in kisses, cuddles private talks? Was she scared that if she rejected me I would fire her? God how could I be so stupid? I had no idea she was masking such pain such heartache. Jaz is a champion she's always fighting when did it become too much for her?

I glance back at her she's getting paler her shivering more serve she's gripping the toilet again I can see her body shudder as she is hit with another wave of water rushing up. Who told her this was a good idea? Did she hear voices inside her head? Did someone say something to her?

Did someone tell her she didn't deserve to live?

This wasn't Jaz not the smart funny fierce kick ass warrior chick I have known for three plus years. My fists are balled up I want to hurt someone so goddamn badly if I ever get a hold of this nameless asshole. If I ever find out someone hurt her I would kill them.

My reflection catches my attention the nagging thought creeps up as I stare at myself "What if it's you hurting her?" No I can't be the reason, I glance back at her she looks up our eyes meet I notice how bloodshot her eyes are how void they look. When did that emptiness get there? Has it always been there? She keeps telling us she's fine, why didn't we see she hasn't been fine in along time. No one goes from being happy one day to trying to end their life a few hours later.

" _Tops"_ Amir's voice cuts through my thoughts as he approaches with caution " _Your laptop is buzzing Director Campbell wants you"_

What could she want? Sighing my eyes caught McGuire's and Preach's they nod for me to go which I do with hesitation. I don't want to go yet duty calls. I took an oath to serve to protect right now though the only person I care about protecting I failed.


	4. Chapter 4

**Title: The Power Of Words and Dreams**

 **Location: Incirlik, Turkey**

 **Date: 1/1/2018**

 **P O V: Jaz Khan**

Close your eyes Jaz just close your eyes and breathe, placing my hand over my heart I could feel it racing as I threw up for god knows what time. Everything is spinning badly god how stupid am I? Did I really think my team wouldn't try to save my worthless sorry ass if I tried to jump to my death in front of them?

I'm trying to calm myself nothing works every song I try to sing to myself the words get blurred inside my head, I tried to remember how Adam's kisses feel, It works for a second lifts me up, seconds later I am drowning again.

" _Are You crazy?"_

" _How Sick are you?"_

" _You're Positive"_

My worst fear has come true Adam has seen my craziness he knows my deepest secret. Now there's no way he would stay with me. I should be relieved shouldn't I? This is what I wanted for Adam to be free. For Adam to be happy something he won't be staying with me out of pity.

The thought of being honorably discharged scares the shit out of me, I've worked my whole life to be a Soldier. I blew it all in one single moment of fear stupidity, now I'm sweating yet I am cold so very cold. I can't stop shaking. Amir and McGuire are shifting from foot to another not sure what to do or say to me. My stomach hurts so bad I can't stop retching.

She'll kick me out now Patricia I mean she's always been sympathetic towards me yet everyone has a breaking point. She hates weakness as much as I do that's what I am a weak spineless gutter-fish god I hate fish their smelly their slimy they have the ugliest faces. What good are they for anyway? Oh god the thought of them sends another wave crashing through my shivering body, I gag coughing hard before everything comes up again. I can feel the sweat mixing with the water soaking my body.

Both boys flinch moving closer instantly my whole body stiffens it's not intentional I don't know why I can't have either one of them touching me. My hands feel stiff they hurt like hell when I try to bend them.

I feel like I am hell I can hear Amir talking to me his words are blurred though my head leans against the seat I'm feeling so dizzy. God I am so stupid I can't even kill myself right.

Maybe I should be kicked out what's the point in having a Soldier fighting for their country when they can't even kill themselves correctly? How can I be expected to kill the enemy?

I can't cry the tears are stuck inside my chest which feels like a thunder storm going off inside my chest. It hurts so fucking bad. I am so sick of hurting.

" _Jaz Breathe count to 4..."_

McGuire's idea of a joke apparently count when I can't even breathe. My vision is complete shit right now so I don't even bother to look up. All I see is greenish sometimes reddish spots dancing across the air.

" _Jaz look at me"_

I can't the second I try to pick my head up pain hits every fiber of my body my vision gets darker, I feel dizzier. I hear my own gasping, I can't stop it, I hate not being in control.

" _Jaz listen to me I know you are suffering I don't know why, we hate seeing you like this_

 _Without suffering though there would be no compassion, we all love you, we're here for you"_

I feel someone grab my shoulders turning me I can hear voices as everything starts to fade again.

" _God has not given the spirit of fear but the power of love, sound mind"_ Great now Amir is mocking me my mind is anything but sound. I try to picture the beach it's always calmed me, all I hear is rushing water and failure.

" _Jaz it's just a panic attack calm down"_

No No No I'm dying asshole can't you fucking see it? He's blind I'm so cold again, numb now trapped in this god damn wall of fear, shame, pain guilt. I taste this nasty cold metal metallic shit in my mouth is it blood? My pride being thrown up? My ears are ringing who ever is yelling is just making my head hurt worse. I want to yell for them to shut up I can't speak. I'm too weak god they must be ashamed of me. Why would they want me as a teammate? The Army is built on pride, strength I am nothing to be proud of I am not strong I am weak I am powerless.

I wish I didn't care I do though that's my downfall my weakness I care too much about what others think of me, at least these guys. I never did before I always had the attitude I don't need anyone's approval I only need mine. Somewhere along the lines I did start to care, maybe that's where the weakness came from.

I started opening up my heart letting people in. Curling up against the wall I bury my head in between my knees which I've brought up to my chest trying to calm myself. It just hurts so damn bad. My breathing is too fast too hard, I feel so small like a weed being crushed.

Someone throws a blanket over me which doesn't help I'm still shivering so damn hard, I wish I could talk to them, I want to try I know though they will never understand what I have been through. They will judge me just like everyone else.

I feel hands on my body someone is trying to pull my shirt off me why are they trying to undress me? Panic pure hellish panic sets in, if what I was having before was a panic attack than this must be the grand mal of panic attacks. A sudden surge of strength hits me as memories wash over me.

 **Location: New York 2011**

" _No please don't…_

His laughter rings out into my ears as he slams my back against the blackboard pinning me to it. His eyes are pure evil.

" _Don't you get it little girl? I own you, you don't have a chance your voice is irrelevant"_

His hand flies across my face hard sending me reeling I'm shaking in fear in isolation.

" _Don't you remember bitch I know your dirty little secret I know what your little friend and you did, I also know just as well as you do that if this ever got out, you both would be kicked out of this school"_

" _You don't want that on your conscious now do you Cadet Khan?"_

My lip was bleeding badly it was starting to swell I could feel it. I closed my eyes picturing my friends face. Her future was depending upon whatever choice I made, not that I was given much of a choice. Blackmail is pretty much leaving someone helpless, powerless.

I bit my lip sinking my teeth into the flesh deep drawing more blood the pain helped numb me, it let my mind clear up slightly so now I felt like I was floating somewhere else when the words _"No sir"_ left my mouth it didn't hurt so bad when I felt my pride my dignity leave my body. I don't know where it went. I never found it after that decision.

" _No Sir? I'm sorry what do you say Cadet Khan? How do you address your Superior officer?"_

" _No Sir Staff Sargent Park"_

" _That's what I thought Cadet now you are going to walk out of this classroom with a smile plastered on your shameful little face, you will smile laugh you will answer "I'm fine" if anyone asks any questions, you will follow me to my house and you will do anything I say do you understand?"_

" _Yes Staff Sargent Park"_

 **Location:** **Incirlik, Turkey**

The sudden surge of power leaves my attackers stunned I bring my knee up to their groins in seconds after each other taking off. I can't breathe, I can't see. I somehow make it to my room slamming the door locking it falling against it breathless.

How could this happen? How could one man destroy who I use to be? Everything is getting blurry again I need to stop this I know it's only just starting, word has reached Patricia she'll be here by morning it's why she's contacted tops. My legs are shaking as I head to my bed pulling open my desk drawer. I find what I am looking for, my old friend she's shiny. I keep her polished even though it's been years since I've used her needed her or wanted her. I kiss her " _I'm sorry I abounded you babe"_

I picture her on my skin I pressed tightly closing my eyes remembering the last time I used her, the last time I was this far gone.

 **Location: New York 2011**

My heart was racing head pounding I hate myself I use to be so strong. Now I am nothing I'm not smart, I am not strong, I'm just a screw-up. I'll never have it figured out. She doesn't deserve to be brought down by my weakness she has her whole life ahead of her.

She comes from a good loving smart military family, she has a bright future. I'm going to ruin her if she hangs onto me. She's better off if I am dead.

" _Let her go Jaz do what is right"_ That's what her dad said to me last night

" _Do what is right you say you love her, love is self-less show her she's better off without you"_ That's what her mom said, " _Your not like us, you'll never be good enough for our daughter"_

I feel calmer as I slide the blade across my wrist crimson red spills out. My breathing even outs, I feel better, I keep sliding. The dizziness clears up for now I know though soon it will engulf me soon it will end me. I feel saved for the first time in a long time.

I see my future clearly it brings me happiness.


	5. Chapter 5

**Title: The Power Of Words and Dreams**

 **Location: Incirlik, Turkey**

 **Date: 1/1/2018**

 **P O V: Jaz Khan**

My soul is crying for deliverance, I know if I do this though I will not get into heaven, I will go to hell. I don't care hell has been my home for so long here on earth well I won't feel any different. Will I? What really awaits us when we die? I guess none of us will ever know.

Too messy I don't want Dalton finding me like that the image will haunt him for his whole life. He doesn't deserve that. I place my long lost friend back in the drawer, as I pull out my other friend. Lithium I open her beautiful cap.

I slide a few pills out taking a deep breath I hate how these make me feel cold numb trapped, kind of like I feel now. Except I can't shake it when these pills get their grip on me. If I give it time I might be able to feel like myself.

Do I want to though? Do I want to face their faces when I tell them what happened to me all those years ago? No..No I simply can't I need these pills.

I swallow two my throat is so tight so dry I grab the water bottle off my dresser glad I saved it from my morning run. They slide down faster so I take two more. It won't take effect for awhile but I know when it does I will start to feel better.

I pull my ipod out laying down so my back is facing the window I can feel their eyes on me watching me judging me wanting to save me. Don't they get it? They can't save me no one can I am too far gone.

I'm waiting for the numbness to take over me I am so sick of feeling guilty shameful pained dizzy weak, powerless.

I just want to feel fucking numb is that so damn wrong?

I can hear Adam shouting at McGuire and Amir.

" _What the hell is wrong with you two idiots? How could you grab her like that?"_

I should feel bad, I don't maybe Lithium is working faster than I remember. I know they meant well now that I am a little clearer they were trying to help me, so I didn't get sick, what do I do? Physically assault them, run from them and get them screamed at. I feel nothing see proof I am a horrible person. They deserve someone strong enough to fight for them besides them, not someone fighting to end their own life. What can I say the worlds a little fucked up, I'm even more fucked up than the world.

It's pouring outside I know their shivering cold I can hear the splatter of rain hitting the window before I slip my ipod on. I should just let them in, I make no movement I can't face them yet. Selfish I know, shitty I know. I don't care. I should I just don't. It kills me to because Adam has been amazing to me, he's kind he's funny, he stands besides me, encourages me supports me loves me, all I do is hurt him.

The more I try to fight it smile through the pain laugh when I want to cry all for his sake, I feel it taking over my soul like a plague slowly infecting me turning my happiness into black slug which slowly freezes my blood.

I try to hide how it makes me feel I fight harder inside the ring I hit harder than McGuire or Amir, my feet move faster like music notes across the scale on a crescendo. I feel alone though in this fight I know I am not, I don't get why I can't let them in. I know Adam will help me he'll run beside me he would push me harder he would make me talk about it scream about it cry about it, Eventually he would help me outrun it.

I thought I had though that's the thing.

He would tell me not to give into the fear or the memories that they can't control me, only I can control me. He's naive he has no real idea that the power they hold on a person's psyche. Adam's the type of guy who would make me run up the highest mountain top, just to show me the brilliant light shining down from heaven above.

I know he would say something cheesy like I'm gonna lift you up to the light show you the way from darkness. I wan to take your pain make it my own.

He doesn't get it I don't deserve light I dwell best in darkness. This girl dose better in the middle of burning fires raging in hell after a grenade not heaven's beauty and all that shit. He is an amazing man one who deserves happiness, medals of accommodations for his heroism, he deserves a women who can fight for him, who will be an amazing mom someone who will teach their kids compassion strength.

I'm not that girl I will never be good enough, I'm imperfection. I am the girl the Army would never want to represent them.

It makes me wonder if maybe I chose the wrong career maybe I should of gone into acting because I must of put on one hell of a show to get my ass here.

Now how do I go back? Can I ever go back to that little girl I use to be the one who still had dreams, inspiration hope? Strength? Nope it's all dark now, I feel like I am lost without a light. I reach for more pills their taking too long. Don't look up Jaz, keep your eyes down. I can't it's like an invisible force field pulling them up. I catch his eyes staring through the window. He breaks me, I feel it coming.

I can see him mouthing to me, I can read his lips, I feel my chest start to shudder again damn it I was just starting to feel numb. Why? Why would he do this to me?

" _I won't give up on you  
I can feel you in my heart, Let me show you the way  
You don't belong here  
Alone"_

I can see his face burning in my mind his eyes so full of hope love pain. I die every time a little more seeing his pain, knowing I am causing this pain, I want to be stronger for him, for me even. I can't I don't know how anymore. Not now not after this news.

I mouth back to him as I swallow a few more pills.

" _Save yourself turn around forget about me"_

He shakes his head mouthing back to me _"Never Jaz Never Nothing left for me till I have you in my arms again"_ It's killing him he wants to break down this window, he knows he can't physically it's unbreakable. He feels helpless powerless feelings I know all too well.

I should feel bad, I don't maybe he needs to know how it feels maybe all guys do just for a little while so maybe they can get a little taste of what it's like for us girls. When we're held down, when we're forced to do shit no dog should ever have to do.

Breathe Jaz just breathe you can turn away, I don't want to though I love Adam, I love him so damn much it's making my soul heart, it's making my damn spirit which has been asleep somewhere cold and dark for so long come to life. Closing my eyes I hold my hands closed fisted rocking back and forth trying to block him out. It hurts it hurts so bad doesn't he fucking get that?

Damn it! Damn it Adam why won't you give up one me? I open my eyes his are still staring at me is that tears falling? No it has to be rain. He can't be crying for me I am not wroth it.

" _I love you Jaz that's why"_ Damn did he read my mind? I want to ask why, I don't instead I turn around pulling the blankets around me. He needs to get it he needs to understand loving me is deadly. it's growing colder now. I surrender to the coldness it's home to me. It's not wroth fighting anymore.

 **As always thanks for the reviews and favorites everyone. Four more days till we get our show back yay! Hope everyone had a great Holiday season.**


	6. Chapter 6

**Title: The Power Of Words and Dreams**

 **Location: Incirlik, Turkey**

 **Date: 1/1/2018**

 **P O V: Jaz Khan**

The smell of fresh brewing coffee wakes me up a little later in the morning bacon is frying the smells force my tired eyelids open painfully. I don't want to get up, I feel so stiff my mind is still foggy rolling over I see my ipod's dead, slowly I manage to sit up every muscle screams in protest.

Plugging my ipod in to charge I stretch I can hear voices I can't make out what their saying so I stay silent. I don't want any of them to know I am awake, if they do the questions will start. I'm not ready to answer them yet. Glancing quickly at the window I see their not outside it anymore, great their probably all inside discussion me. God I can't even stand the thought of them trying to put the pieces together.

I wish I could stay in here all day just fake sleep my bladder however is making staying even another ten minutes impossible. Letting out a sigh I crack open the door just to be greeted by a familiar voice.

" _Morning Jasmine"_

I'm breathless seeing her standing there before me it's been years. Swallowing I try to shove past her holding my hands slightly above my private area, I don't remember drinking enough last night to make it such an urgent matter yet my bladder is almost ready to burst.

She touches my arm lightly her eyes take my face in fully she's barely touching me yet her hold has me frozen. I can barely breathe, I feel helpless.

" _We need to talk Jaz"_

" _I need to pee bad"_

She lets me pass yet follows me I can't even close the door for privacy she stands in the way only closing the door when I refuse to strip down in front of her. I hate that no one trusts me, I can't stand having no privacy. I'm not a little kid I can pee by myself without mom standing over me. I find myself biting my lip, I want to tell her to get out so bad, yet a part of me knows she's here out of guilt. I hate that she still feels guilty all these years later.

" _Jaz I'll close my eyes if that helps seriously though"_

She rolls her eyes as she closes them smirking as I push my pants down feeling slightly better, " _It's not like I haven't seen it all before anyway"_ I can feel the heat flaming to my face as I finally relieve myself.

" _You had to go there Hannah"_

" _Of course I did Jaz it's been a long time but distance can't take away the memories babe"_

She's right about that of course nothing can erase those years from my memory. Good and bad their permanently there.

 **A/N Tonight is the night #Bravers The Brave finally comes back and Jaz comes back to her team!**


	7. Chapter 7

**Title: The Power Of Words and Dreams**

 **Location: Incirlik, Turkey**

 **Date: 1/1/2018**

 **P O V: Director Patricia Campbell**

" _What's going on with Jaz Patricia?"_

Dalton is pacing back and forth his posture is livid face a shade of red I haven't seen in well ever. He's too stressed out for just being a captain or friend. I want to address this issue in so many ways however my own worry for Jaz outweighs whatever may or may not be going on between them. He's almost frantic racing between the sleeping quarters, kitchen/ dinning room.

Amir and McGuire are busy preparing breakfast while music plays on the radio their joking between each other, yet I see their worried glances between Dalton and the quarters hoping to see Jaz emerge at some point. The view is slightly restricted however making their task more of a challenge.

I'm not sure what catches my attention more Amir's squeaking as flour gets on his clothes of McGuire's dissolving of laughter as he slams another round into Amir's freshly pressed shirt. " _Aw man I chipped a nail you are so paying for these McGuire"_

" _Aw poor thing did I hurt your pride big boy?"_

" _No you hurt my manicure! These supplies aren't cheap"_ Preach slapped his back coming in from checking supplies in the hummer. " _Don't worry Amir we all know you paid someone to do them"_ Amir's mouth dropped open as if he wanted to protest but Dalton's urgent pacing once again tore through the kitchen he grumbled at them to get to work so breakfast was ready when Jaz woke up he wanted her to eat. No one argued even though they wanted to no one would ever refuse Jaz anything.

His pacing is making me slightly nervous I could issue orders for him to stop. I know he won't though so why waste my breath. Besides I have known him a long time since he was a young man I know Dalton when he's thinking like a solider, this isn't U.S Army Captain Dalton. No this is Adam Dalton a young man so in love with a young women he can't see straight. I wonder how long he's had these feelings for her? Has he shared them with her? Dose she return them? Have they been sleeping together? I curse myself logically there is no way for me to see it I am thousand of miles away from them.

Part of me doesn't feel relived though not if this is a part of the reason she is trying to end her life. He's her Superior, if he's pressured her in anyway, that means I have failed her as well as him. Again. Dalton needs to pull himself together if he plans to stay the leader of this team.

" _Why are you here?"_

" _What do you know about this Patricia?"_ Dalton is in my face now okay he's starting to push my patience with him. " _Why would Jaz do this to herself? You know something don't you? Did something happen to her in her past?" Dose it have to do with Iran?"_

The air is breached with silence Amir's hand frozen in an omelet flip McGuire trying to sneak out, Preach taking a few steps back. It's been unspoken between all of them ever since Jaz was captured in Teran, Iran.

She was tortured mentally, physically no one knows if they touched her sexually she won't say, she refused any exams. Part of me knows deep inside that it went that far, part of me wants to be that little girl that played barbies in her room innocent naive obvious to the cold world. I can't afford that luxury now, because if it isn't that which has gotten Jaz so shaken up that she tried to end her life it's something far worse. It's up to me to fix it, I should of done it years ago. I didn't now it's coming back.

She was sent to therapy after we got her out she's good though at playing this game. She's been doing to for far far too long, when she shouldn't of had to of been doing it. She smiled she gave the answers she knew they wanted she was careful with details, never giving too many or too little. In short she played this therapist for a damn fool and got cleared for active duty.

I should have that idiots job she is oblivious not fine at all the more I think about it the more angry I get at him and less at Dalton's direct disrespect because I know it's coming from a place of deep fear for someone he can't help but fall madly in love with. Face to face with him I look Dalton square in his eyes. My voice is not playing around when I slowly through gritted teeth reply to him.

" _Step down Captain Dalton Now or we will have a problem"_

" _We already have one Director Campbell my sniper just tried to eat her own gun so I say we have a pretty damn big problem!"_

If he didn't have a problem before his refusal to step down from my face was now causing a problem in my book.

" _I warned you once Dalton I don't warn twice I will give you to three to step down or else."_


	8. Chapter 8

**Title: The Power Of Words and Dreams**

 **Location: Incirlik, Turkey**

 **Date: 1/1/2018**

 **P O V: Director Patricia Campbell**

" _I said Step Down Right Now Dalton! I won't issue another god damn Command!"_

Adam does not step down instead he gets even closer to my face I can see the veins almost popping out of his eyes, I know he hasn't gotten any sleep. I know he is worried, confused I feel all of it radiating out of his pores. However I am still his Superior he needs to remember that.

" _If you do not back down I will have no issues writing you up under article 90"_

I don't think Adam is even present right now I can see in his eyes he is still under that water, drowning in the fear that Jaz wouldn't be coming back up. His nostrils are flaring he is so mad. I can smell the coffee on his breath he is so close to me now, I can even feel the sweat dripping down as he stands in my face.

" _Cite me suspend me I don't give a flying flag what you do to me Director Campbell, all I care about is what your hiding"_

" _Are you accusing me of something Captain Dalton?"_

My eyes catch movement out of the corner I see Jaz and Hannah enter hesitantly Jaz is now wearing a black tank top that curves around her delicate frame. Boxer shorts I don't think they belong to her; her hair is slightly damp from the shower she's just finished. She looks smaller than normal her eyes scare me their bloodshot, swollen, tired. I break my stance with Dalton racing to the two of them.

My arms embrace the women who I've practically raised as my own tightly, how did I miss the signs? She lets herself fall into my arms I feel her body trembling, her skin is so soft it reminds me of a baby's. God I miss holding my babies in my arms when they were just tiny things. I breathe in her scent which is a mixture of coconuts/ cranberries an odd combination yet it works on her.

" _Jaz talk to me, never scare me like that again"_

She doesn't answer I know she can feel my strength pouring through my arms my words, I hope she can feel my love, regrets. Slowly I rub her back coming up I see Hannah shyly standing besides her looking worried at her, at the rest of the group who she's only met once in person. Taking Jaz's hand I lead her to a table where Preach hands her a cup of OJ and a mug of coffee.

McGuire wants to approach I shake my head to hold him back she needs space yet, she mutters her thanks towards Preach who nods, he's a smart enough man to know not to pressure her into talking yet. So he steps back next to Dalton his hand on his shoulder holding him back.

Jaz is unnerved I can feel it in her rigid posture her eyes stare down she can't look her team mates in their eyes is she ashamed? Embarrassed? Scared?

She's curled her left knee up to under her chin wrapping her arms around herself in a hug I've seen that look before, she was so young then. It breaks my heart sitting down next to her I keep my hand rubbing soft circles over her back, she's gotten really thin since Teran. How have I not noticed this before?

No one seems to know what to say everyone is just standing around with their lips speechless yet their eyes speaking a million questions, none of them brave enough to ask one simple question until Dalton breaks Preach's hold on his arm, he falls to his knees in front of Jaz startling her. I see her eyes flash with fear as he grabs her hands. He doesn't mean to scare her at least I don't think he dose yet that's what he dose. She squeaks a little jumping back. Her breathing fast uneven I break her retreat she can't skid any further into the seat holding my hand up I stop him from advancing.

She reminds me of that scared little girl the one who I found at Sixteen Years old her blood dripping pooling, as she lay unconscious on the ground. I won't let her feel that fear again so I place myself between them. Still not sure what is happening between them, all I know is I made a vow to protect her. I won't fail her again.

" _Jaz"_ Adam's voice is thick with emotion I let him continue his speech _"We have to speak about the unspoken"_

Jaz's voice is softer as she answers him " _I know Adam, I just don't know how"_

" _How to what Jaz? Start the conversation? Easy try starting with why"_

" _Why would a beautiful sexy strong bad ass one in a million kind of women try to end her life?"_

" _There is no easy answer Adam"_

She's beyond nervous now I see it in the darkening of her eyes, the twitch in her fingers which are clenched at her sides, she's remembering, it hurts her, I can feel it, it hurts me to know what she is holding on to, it's my fault, she should of never had to bare that hurt or shame.

" _Every 40 seconds someone tries to take their own life, that's_ _800 000 people a year who take their own life and there are many more people who attempt suicide."_

" _Jaz I'm not asking about them I am asking about you"_

" _Why Adam what makes me so special? What makes me more important than them?"_

Her eyes are dark far away she's talking to him yet she's not with him she's back in that place a place so dark so painful it's kept her locked away for all these years. She's not the same Jaz not now she seems lost small void of emotions in many ways. She may be older now stronger yet she doesn't feel it, she still feels like that damaged abused naive scared sixteen year old girl.

He can never understand not yet anyway, maybe never she has to make him see it, she has to be honest, she can't do it not yet she's afraid. She thinks in her mind if he knows he will reject her, like so many people before her have already done.

" _I don't know those people Jaz I know you"_ He tries to touch her face which is reflected by the rising sun so beautiful she jumps back her back hitting my chest I wrap my arms around her. She needs to feel safe, protected something she hasn't felt in too long of a time.

" _Jaz you have to know if ...god if anything would of happened to you...it wouldn't just be you that died, a part of me a huge part of me would have been lost"_

" _Why Adam? Your A Captain in the U.S army you are smart strong, successful you have dreams plans accomplishments you can have any women you want, I know you have women throwing themselves at you, why would you want someone like me?"_

He seems genuinely lost by her confusion his lips becoming speechless, his posture still. She's staring at him challenging him to come up with something impressive.

" _Why wouldn't I? Jaz whatever happened to you who ever made you feel like life wasn't wroth it, they lied, life is beautiful you are beautiful inside, out, things will get easier, I promise you whatever happened, I am here for you, we are here for you"_

Amir's voice startled us as Adam became silent he wasn't as close to us but he was close enough for Jaz to whip her head up to stare him in his eyes challenging him.

" _Jaz none of us will ever know what happened to you in Teran"_

I see it for the first time since I came here that spark in her eyes the one I saw when she was 15 when we first met, it flashes quickly as she jumps up fists clenched she moves so fast Amir never see's it till she's in his face. Her teeth gritted as she almost spits in his face, venom filling every symbol.

" _No you won't so don't pretend to act like any of you can ever know what those sick bastards did to me"_

Her words make my whole body fill with hate, fear cold heart stopping fear dear god what did they do to her? I rise to stop anything from happening Amir is barely breathing standing so still I think he might of passed out his body too afraid to even fall.

Adam moves to stand between them his eyes locking with Jaz's he tries to take her hand she yanks it back so hard I am almost afraid she will dislocate her wrist.

" _Jaz whatever happened we need to talk about it, if you want we can do this in private, if you can't talk to me as a friend than do it as your CO if you can't trust me, talk to Patricia or I can hire someone, you have to talk though to someone"_

Wrong move Dalton never tell Jaz she has to do something, she's tensing up again turning to him eyes flared with so many emotions, lips twisted in agony. He doesn't let her talk instead he moves so fast she can't even attempt to move before he wraps his arms around her tiny frame. Crushing her in a hug Adam's right hand rested on her head pushing her face into his chest, I never saw a grown man shed tears in my whole life as unbelievable as it sounds it's true, not till today watching as he held her in his arms. Seeing his eyes play out what it must have been to see her jump in that water last night.

" _Jaz your life is precious, every life is precious whatever it is that is hurting you so damn bad, please stop hurting yourself, please open up to me, to us, we're your team mates we love you we want to help you, your not alone anymore, I know you had a rough childhood, I know you felt abounded by your family, rejected thrown away, I am not your dad, Patricia is not your mom, we won't chose anyone or anything else over you. We love you we want to be here for you so please let us"_

" _It's so hard Adam…._

Her voice is laced with sadness pain and disbelief she's never had anyone say those words to her before. She's never had anyone tell her she's wroth it that her life matters. I could shoot myself for not telling her those words when she needed to hear them, when she was a child alone, scared hurting. I may of helped her in many ways but I failed her in so many others.

" _I know Jaz I know it is,,but it's wroth it trust me please trust us"_

" _I want to I just I don't know if I can handle the rejection"_

She's spoken the words I knew she was feeling her fear of being rejected again, no matter how close this team is she knows deep inside when they hear the truth about who she was the things she did the things done to her, they won't see her as an equal or even as a person worthy anymore. I close the distance hugging her from behind kissing her head as she closes her eyes resting her face against Dalton's chest. Her breathing still too heavy she needs time she can't talk yet she's not ready. Gently I whisper into her ears.

" _You can get through today Jaz. Just hold on! If you don't feel as if you even want to live through today, I pray that this day you find reason to **want to live** as there are so many!_ _Let us show you trust us just this once. Your not alone in this race"_

Can she though? I have serious doubts she's so closed off she's so hurt from her past, can she make the connection that her past doesn't have to define her present or her future?

 **A/N: If You or anyone you know is feeling suicidal there is help, your life is wroth saving, you have a purpose for being here, don't let the darkness steal your light. Talk to someone you trust if you don't have anyone call for help someone is always there, people do care.**

 **1-800-273-8255 is the national Suicide prevention line**

 **1-866-488-7386 is the Trevor line**

 **112 and 999 In Ireland**

 **1-800-668-6868 is the kids help line in Canada**


	9. Chapter 9

**Title: The Power Of Words and Dreams**

 **Location: Incirlik, Turkey**

 **Date: 1/1/2018**

 **P O V: Jaz Khan**

Ravens represent death I guess it's fitting that on the day my dignity my pride die for a third time in my lifetime, that it's a big squealing jet black raven sitting on the tree branch outside the window of our sitting area. It's squeaking at me, it's mocking how weak I am. Can I shoot the bastard? I'm starting to hate Birds more than fish, I'm so damn tired, I just want to sleep to forget.

" _Jaz"_ Adam calls me again he's persistent I will give him that. I know their all waiting for me to speak, I just can't seem to find the words, my stomach is so nauseated. How can this be happening? I thought I would fall into the water, I thought no one would hear or notice me. I would just wash away like seaweed. Wash up some day years from now as bones on the beach.

Adam is next to me now I can smell his aftershave, sweat his arms wrap themselves around my shoulders. I feel his lips leave the gentlest of kisses on my head. " _Take your time Jaz there's no rush we're here for you your not alone you don't have to stand this pain by yourself let us be your arms, your wings your strength"_

I can't look at them I can't see their eyes when they hear the details. My breathing is too heavy I know it, I can feel myself almost hyperventilating yet I also feel a calmness inside of me, how is that even possible?

" _It started when I was 15, I made a simple mistake"_

" _Keep going Jaz we're all here"_

That's what I am afraid of I am utterly 100% certain terrified that once my team hears about my past they will know what a weak-ass, gutless sick fish I am. Maybe that's why I hate fish so much they remind me of the shell of what I use to be, the one I try so hard to mask now with this tough image, this facade of a Solider. When they know the truth they will ask the same question I keep asking myself on a daily bases, how why did the army let this impostor in?

" _Breathe Jaz"_ Hannah's voice brings me back I forgot she was even here honestly pretty shitty of me since she's a huge reason any of this happened. Maybe that's why I forgot, it's too painful to look at her. Morning is breaking I can see the sun rising over the ocean it's beautiful I bet she's warm, I could use the warmth right now because I feel so cold, I'm shivering. I know Dalton is the one who wraps the blanket around my shoulders places it across my chest, I feel his arms embrace me over my shoulders pulling me back. I want to relax in his arms I can't.

" _My dad had kicked me out of the house, my mom was in jail again, she loved her damn drugs more than any of us, I was on my own on the streets, I was hungry I had no food, no bed, no shelter, I spent most of my days, nights avoiding those sick bastards that liked to prey on young girls."_

" _I became friends with this one girl who I had seen around numerous times, she had respect in our little area, her name was Jenna but everyone called her_ _Raven because she had killed more people than anyone on the block"_

I could hear even the smallest of gasps escaping from my team mates I still didn't look up my shame burned so fast across my face it was like a rat scurrying across the floor not wanting to get caught up.

" _Raven promised me protection shelter food as long as I proved my loyalty to her, so I stole a car, not just any car though nah this bitch was a beauty a brand new Lexus we went for a cruise picking up her girls, we smoked some weed, we drank some Hennessy, some beers, we blasted the music"_

The memory of that day burned bright in my mind her laughter as we cruised the pounding of the music, the taste of the beers, the sweetness of the Marijuana how high I was, god how amazing it felt to have Raven's lips on my neck as she sucked so gently but not gentle enough to not leave marks. The feeling of being behind the wheel at 15 having no fucking clue at what I was doing almost getting side swiped laughing with those girls. The power the freedom! It was dizzying excitement. I felt like a grownup.

That feeling lasted for a whole hour we had pulled over cracked open some more bottles, Raven and I had gotten into the backseat we were laughing cuddling getting high getting drunk making out, the reality of what was happening came crashing down as I drove us home, it was late, pitch black. The excitement quickly turned to fear as the bullets rained down on Elmhurst, I can still see the body of that 12 year old girl drop the light in her eyes turn to fear as she felt the bullet rip through her chest, her eyes locking with mine as I sat rigid behind the wheel, asking me "why?" I had no answers except survival mine at her cost. Blood spilling from her body as she dropped breathing her final breaths of life as my girls screamed at me to go! I slammed on the gas tires squealing as they laughed.

Even now I can see the lights flashing in the rear view mirror I can hear the sirens as the police chased us my heart speeding as I pushed the gas to the max the speedometer climbing 50 to 70- to 100.

" _They arrested me_ _I have never been so scared as I was when those cuffs were placed on my wrist, they were cold scratchy painful those cops didn't give a shit about any of that all they saw was a dark colored girl who had drugs on her, they never explained what was happening where we were going"_

" _They never read me my rights, they just threw me in a cell, I had to fight the girl I was thrown in with because she knew who I was, she was a sworn enemy of Raven's, so I got another charge stacked onto me"_

" _When I went to Court they declared I was fit to stand trail as an adult, they wanted to charge me with Capital One murder even though I never touched the gun"_

" _I felt helpless hopeless like no one gave a damn about me, I mean my parents didn't come, I knew they were notified yet no one not even my grandparents showed up, Except one person"_

" _The Aunt of the little girl who died that day she came to court I was sure to help them throw me into the darkest cell with no keys"_

" _I remember how she talked about her Niece"_

" _My Niece Gracie was 12, she was so full of life she loved hanging with her friends, playing double dutch, she took karate, she was a girl scout who always put others first, she took challenges by the horns when she had to sell cookies she went the extra mile pledging half her earnings to a local charity she sold more than any girl in the city that year, she loved N'Synch, Backstreet boys, she excelled at math, Social Studies she wanted to be a doctor so she could help people"_

" _Gracie will never get that chance because her life was stolen, I don't want to see_ _any more lives destroyed by this violence, I want to help this young girl I honestly believe she's a good kid who got caught up in a mistake that has the potential to devastate her life if someone does not step in and help her change the direction of her life"_

I still can't allow myself to turn to look at anyone even as Patricia is speaking I can feel her arms around my shoulders, I know it's her way of saying she never held the shooting against me. I still don't understand how though? How can she not?

" _Patricia convinced the judge that I needed structure in my life an adult willing to step up not jail, she wanted to legally adopt me, the judge agreed with conditions of course, he wanted me to attend therapy, he wanted me to go to a military school, he needed to see reports every month, she had to attend therapy with me if I failed to graduate from this school I would be sent to Juvie until I turned 18 than I would be transferred to the pen"_

" _I was sent to Bristol JROTC in upstate New York"_

My fingers are fooling around with my necklace I can hardly breathe remembering those days and how lonely scared I felt, I hear Hannah's voice taking over the story now. So I close my eyes leaning my face against the glass window.

" _Her first day there was when I meet her_ _she was assigned as my roommate_ _, Jaz reminded me of peter pan in many ways the kid who never wanted to grow up in this case the girl who was forced to grow up too soon, she looked older than 15, her hair in two braids she was trying to look tough, yet her eyes gave her away she looked scared. I remember when I was first sent away because my parents were too busy traveling the world as Military ambassadress to bother to raise their only kid I was scared angry and felt isolated. I didn't want anyone to feel that way because Bristols was an amazing school, I had made loads of friends_ _learned a lot of structure, discipline and a new found respect for the military"_

" _So I befriended her she wasn't easy to get to know she was closed off, angry I could see a pain inside her eyes though, I hated seeing that because it reminded me of myself so I spent every second trying to get Jaz to see that I could be trusted, I left her little notes on the bathroom mirror, inspirational quotes, things I liked about her, I offered her help with subjects she might be struggling in, I gave her the DL on what life was like at a military school, over time I started to feel her warm up to me"_

I take back over _"It was the little moments that really made me warm up to her I didn't recognize them then. However her notes each day filled me with a quite confidence that I didn't even know I was missing,_ _I never had anyone in my life who spent so much damn time just trying to get to know me, Hannah never gave up she was like my second shadow, when I moved she moved when I breathed she breathed, we started to share things with each other, things I never trusted anyone with before. Each night she would jump into my bed and force me to study even when I didn't want to, her persistence is why I earned straight A's my first semester"_

" _Hannah became more than my best friend, I don't know how to_ _p_ _ut it into words how amazing she made me feel, I never thought I was worthy of anything good, Hannah was quite with her love, she didn't shout it from rooftops, it was like a child slowly learning how to do each thing that becomes essential to them in life, talking walking,_ _I started to understand the reason I always felt so different so alone is that I was bisexual, growing up Muslim I knew that homosexuality was a sin an unforgivable sin, so I guess I shoved it so far down deep inside I wouldn't even let myself consider the idea that it might apply to me. Hannah brought out something inside of me she awoken feelings I had stiffed down, the first time she kissed me we were in bed cuddling laughing over a TV show, she was snuggled against my shoulder and she just turned to me, I remember looking into her eyes and feeling this sense of peace I never felt like that before, she just kissed me, I remember how soft her lips were"_

" _They still are"_ She whispered seductively into my ear earning a look from Dalton who tried not to show how it effected him, I knew it did though I saw his fist clench up as he pulled me to him tighter.

" _Homosexual was strictly forbidden though, we both knew if we got caught we would be kicked out, I would be sent to Juvie so we followed the rule of Don't ask don't tell, we held hands in private, we kissed in private, we talked like two friends in public we never touched, we faked the hell out of it"_

" _I saw the ways some of the kids who were open about their sexuality were treated, the teachers told them how they were sinners, how if they were ever caught sinning they would be expelled made an example of, the other kids shoved them into lockers, they tripped them wrote nasty things on the walls in the bathroom, they defiled their lockers, beat them up"_

" _I laughed out loud I smiled I kept saying I was okay but inside I felt like I was denying a part of what made me, well me, I never felt good enough for Hannah she came from a rich upper class family, on weekends when I would go home to Patricia's. I hid who I was, her son Dean was the perfect all American boy smart, funny, handsome a great athlete. I felt like I had to measure up because she was sacrificing so much to give me a chance so I never told her how I was feeling. I just watched as Dean sailed through school hung with his friends he was always smiling always laughing surrounded by friends, he had an amazing relationship with Patricia so easy going always helping around the house, joking with her, they talked about everything. I tried I really did, to open up I just I never could I felt so scared so alone. I mean if I blew this I knew I would end up dead or in jail, I didn't want either of those things, if she knew…_

I felt myself choking up thinking back to those days I can see myself at 15 standing by the window watching as Dean did skating tricks in front of the house the neighborhood kids all cheering him in his friends patting his back, the girls whistling. The little kids all looking at him as if he was their hero, I guess I made life tougher for myself because I let that fear over take me so willingly back then.

" _Some days I swear I didn't know if I could make it or not, every day was harder I felt alone even at school I know Hannah was there but if our secret got out, I knew she would be okay she had a home, parents who loved her, where would I be? Time passed slowly I felt like I was living a lie, I smiled I said I was fine I acted happy inside I was dying, so afraid of getting caught"_

I felt Hannah squeeze my hand I glance at her for a split second as she started talking. I feel the tears slide down as I turn away staring at that damn Raven which is crowing it's head off, I swear that bastard is having a belly laugh at my expense.

" _We did get caught after seven months we were careless one night the night we both decided to give each other the one gift we haven't given anybody...we were virgins"_

" _I made a mistake I thought the door was locked..._ I could feel Hannah's guilt radiating off her. I wish I could make her feel better but I felt trapped, in memories in my own pain & in anger which made me ashamed she was just as young as innocent as I was back then,

" _I didn't I guess I must have been too excited too nervous, we were in bed ..uh I won't go into details.._.Ifeel my chest relax a little I didn't need my team to know about that...even though Dalton well he knew intimately. The rest of them it was none of their damn business.

" _Our teacher Sargent Park he uh walked in on us….we didn't know it then…_

Hannah kissed the side of my head as I felt my whole body tremble slowly recalling the rest of the details, I feel like I am on a cloud rising above everyone, my head is swimming. It's like I am watching myself telling this story but it's not me it was happening to. I almost feel sorry for this girl.

" _After class the next day Sargent Park locked the door he told me he needed me after class to help him with a project...I knew something was wrong though when he locked the door, he pinned me against the chalkboard...he threatened me.._ I bite my lip drawing blood the pain the taste helps calm me. My heart stops racing so hard. The tears on the window make it hard to see outside now, I can still hear that squeal though where the hell is my damn gun? Someone please shoot that bird!


	10. Chapter 10

**Title: The Power Of Words and Dreams**

 **Location: Incirlik, Turkey**

 **Date: 1/1/2018**

 **P O V: Jaz Khan**

 **A/N Mentions of Suicide attempts/ Sexual Abuse.**

" _He told me he knew our dirty little secret, he knew my history he knew if it got out, than I would be expelled and sent to jail, he said he knew Hannah's parents, he knew her dad was a homophobic & would be ashamed of his daughter, he said he would make sure Hannah ended up disowned, penniless if I didn't do what he wanted"_

" _Jaz..._ Adam tries to speak I think it's Adam I am far away now, back in those days remembering the fear that had gripped me as his breath crawled over my skin.

" _He..He made me go to his apartment which was on campus … he handcuffed me to the bed...he raped me...he made me perform all kinds of sick sexual acts to him"_

I can feel Adam's breath on the back of my neck I can feel his body pressed into my backside all of it as I stare outside. I can hear his racing heart, none of it has any effect on me; because I can also feel **his** voice laughing as he rapes me, I can smell his nasty cigars on his breath as his mouth forces itself on my lips which I am trying so hard to keep closed tight he forces them open biting my lips as I cry out in pain.

" _Jaz sweetie you are safe now it's okay please calm down...Jaz take a break"_

I can't though if I stop now I will never be able to speak about any of this again. I close my eyes again the dizziness slows down even though my stomach is still rolling. I can still feel how painful it was when he first ripped me open. He didn't use protection… I was so scared, I felt so dirty, so used.

" _Did you know?"_ Preach's voice growls at Hannah who jumps back a little startled.

" _She knew… I told her..I also told her not to say anything, I didn't want her to end up homeless, I was scared...she was scared we were both babies… we didn't want to be kicked out.. besides I was tougher, I had endured abuse before...my dad when he would drink he would get nasty..so I carried on, time passed by so slow..so cold...every week night I had to go to his place.. I had to do what he wanted...if he wanted dinner I had to cook it naked...if I burned it or if it didn't taste right..he would burn me with his cigars...never on my face of course only in private places no one would see...he would hit me...kick me...rape me..well he did that anyway…_

" _My only escape were weekends when I got to go to Patricia's she never suspected I guess I was a good actress, she was so caught up in Dean's world of sports, karate, school. I was just an obligation as long as I did my part made good grades stayed out of trouble, smiled laughed acted like I was happy she didn't need to look deeper"_

I'm thankful Hannah takes over I feel so damn tired so heavy I can't keep my eyes open anymore I am fighting against the tears so hard it's such a struggle. I just don't feel like I have any right to cry.

" _I knew Jaz couldn't keep going she was hurting so bad she had stopped eating she was cutting herself, she was stealing pills from other students to keep awake in class, because she couldn't sleep without having nightmares at night, she woke up sweating violently getting sick. She was losing weight losing hope the will to live..so I told my parents all of it that I was gay, that Jaz was being blackmailed…._

" _I thought my dad would help he had always been my hero I was always his little girl…_

I hear Hannah's pain I feel her guilt wash over me, there's a part of me that wants to hug her tell her that it's okay. I can't though because part of me blames her, part of me is still so fucking mad at her, I can't even open my eyes to look at her.

" _He didn't he went to Jaz he threatened her to stay away from me, that he didn't want his daughter catching her disease...that I was straight I was a good kid, he withdrew me from school and forced me to attend a catholic school he said it would cure me, he cut my cell phone off, he changed my name...he made it impossible for her to find me, he … he even paid Sargent Park to keep doing what he as doing to Jaz"_

" _Why didn't you tell Patricia Hannah Jaz's guardian or someone else?"_

" _I was scared McGuire I was just a kid myself, I found out my own dad was ashamed of me, my mom took his side, I felt alone...I didn't want to end up homeless...okay I know it was crappy... I fucking get it okay! I don't need any of you acting like you would of made a better choice a different choice none of you were me, none of you walked in my shoes. I loved Jaz...but I loved my parents to…._

" _You loved your life Hannah you loved your parents money the protection it provided you. Damn it you left Jaz in the hands of a rapist a child molester…_

I should defend her I'm just too tired anymore to even fight…

" _How could you not have noticed something was going on Patricia? You saw her every weekend, you must of seen the weight loss, the fact she didn't eat...the dark circles under her eyes, the fear..the pain"_

" _I did Adam your right, you have to remember I barely knew Jaz and she was so good at hiding everything, it's not like I didn't try. I arranged weekends where Dean would sleepover at friends, I took Jaz to concerts, picnics, beauty makeovers, we spent time at home just the two of us...she was 15 she was closed off by nature…_

" _So how did you…_

" _Escape him Preach?"_

" _Yeah…._

" _I tried to kill myself...I got sick of it one night when I was at home when Patricia was at a game with Dean. I told her I was feeling sick so she let me stay home, I took a razor to my wrist I didn't do it stupidly though most people cut across no I cut straight up hitting the veins…_

I can remember the feeling of Euphoria as the blood drained itself from my body as I felt my body hitting the floor, I remember staring up at the ceiling which was a light blue with clouds painted across it, the room use to be Dean's nursery. I felt like Heaven was calling to me...as I felt my life slowly fading. I can still remember the racing of Patricia's footsteps as she ran upstairs sensing something wasn't right, hear her panic voice as she bangs on the locked door. Feel my heartbeat slowly fading. I was so sure what I was doing was right. If only she could see my reasons.

" _The whole time I was at Dean's game I couldn't get this look in Jaz's eyes out of my head, when I was saying goodbye to her. I felt like she was saying goodbye forever, I saw a bruise on her neck when I kissed her check, she didn't feel feverish, she felt cold clammy."_

" _It was something she said to me when I told her I would see her later. She said it wasn't suppose to be like this Patricia I am so sorry I don't mean to be a disappointment, I didn't know what she meant I just thought she was being dramatic she was a teen girl she had depression issues, she had gotten a C in one class, I thought she was just mad at herself….the more I thought about it as I watched Dean on the field though I just kept getting this cold sick feeling in the pit of my stomach it traveled across my body...I kept calling her cell...she was always good at picking up ...this time she didn't…_

" _Than I got a text from her…_

I remember that text clear as day. _**"I'm tired of being a victim I am tired of being a disappointment, I am sick of being the reason everyone laughs at, I am sick of being weak...Patricia I am just sick of being sick, I am sorry you have done so much for me...I just can't take it anymore I didn't ask to be born this way. I just was...you deserve so much more...than a burden like me, so please forget about me..don't waste your time on me I am not wo** **r** **th it. Goodbye Patricia thank you for all you did...I love you for trying...Please don't try anymore. I'm going home now"**_

" _Jaz…._

" _Jaz…_ I can hear my name being called why can't I answer? Everything is spinning so fast, my breathing has become so difficult what the hell is happening to me? There's that darkness again it's calling for me asking for me to embrace me. I know I should fight it I try I can't though I feel my knees buckle.

 **A/N: If You or anyone you know is feeling suicidal there is help, your life is wroth saving, you have a purpose for being here, don't let the darkness steal your light. Talk to someone you trust if you don't have anyone call for help someone is always there, people do care.**

 **1-800-273-8255 is the national Suicide prevention line**

 **1-866-488-7386 is the Trevor line**

 **112 and 999 In Ireland/ 1-800-668-6868 is the kids help line in Canada**


	11. Chapter 11

**Title: The Power Of Words and Dreams**

 **Location: Incirlik, Turkey**

 **Date: 1/1/2018**

 **P O V: Hannah Rivera**

Jaz's body falls limp as Dalton tries to catch her taken by shock I am not I've seen Jaz faint before I saw the signs as clear as day her breathing growing harder, her eyes getting that far away glassed up gaze. It's the same look she use to get before she would cut, she always said the cutting made her feel better, so I never stopped her even though I knew it was wrong I knew it was only hurting her, it was also the only thing that calmed her when she had her panic attacks.

Her eyes roll back as she makes a little gasp I grab her as Dalton tries to regain his balance, wrapping my arms under her armpits, I pull her to the couch as McGuire races over with his bag. Slipping a blood pressure cuff on her arm, oxygen over her mouth. My heart was skipping beats as I pressed a wet cloth to her face provided to me by Amir who sat next to her holding her hand, god she was so pale so sweaty.

Preach paced back and forth as Dalton dropped to his knees his hands on her legs looking at her face. I hear McGuire relying the stats to Patricia who has come over to sit on the couch by Jaz. Her eyes filled with pain regret.

They say love has no fear, no regrets love has no shame it bares no name so why do Patricia and I wear the guilt of past regrets like some people wear bracelets? Why do both of us have eyes filled with fear shame when we look at Jaz? We both love her we've both failed her.

Looking into her closed eyes I can feel myself falling back into that time in our lives when we were both young naive innocent when we both thought love could change us, could change the world. I remember how it made me feel every time I held her in my arms when our skin touched when our lips caressed each other's necks checks...when the fire of passion engulfed me when her kisses cooled me like water kissing my body in a cold shower on a hot summer beach filled day.

I never excepted to fall for Jaz or any girl when I was sent to Bristol's. I thought every girl there was straight bound by some old ass dirty secret code of conduct. One glance at her though into her beautiful eyes I knew I was in trouble, oddly enough though it didn't feel wrong. Inside my head everyone's voices told me it was, my heart though was screaming her name over and over. Some days I was speechless afraid to even speak the words love..Jaz in the same sentence afraid it would crumble down, other days I screamed her name always in the confines of my bathroom with the door closed as I danced around like a lunatic.

Keeping her a secret turned me inside and out it brought me to tears some days when I would hold her while she slept. I kissed her check gently so she wouldn't wake, so I wouldn't scare her. The darkness of the secret was outweighed by the pure light her love brought to my world. I couldn't even start to think about life without her, I wouldn't allow myself to.

It's why I kept the secret for so long because I knew if anyone knew she'd be sent away I was scared to lose her. It made no sense to me if I loved her I would want her to be free, but would being in jail be better? At least at school we had each other love gave me the reason to hide our secrets, was it right? No I see that now with adult eyes but back then I was a child a scared lonely selfish child.

I was drowning in my own needs my heart needed her by my side, I didn't allow myself to see how badly she was hurting, I knew it I just didn't let myself feel it. She made me happy that's what mattered to me. We all have scars right? Battles we fight eternally things were ashamed of, so that was hers. I was there for her, I justified it things would never go to far the cutting would never be too deep because I was there to stop her. Kiss away her tears wipe the blood up kiss her scars.

We were both drowning in our own tears yet our hearts were so connected I guess we both found our own reasons for keeping what was happening a secret. Right or wrong sometimes love hurts, it's not suppose to but when your young every heartbeat is a new lesson, every heartbreak is a new fire to do things different.

I kiss Jaz's check now praying those mistakes those heartbreaks didn't destroy her in ways I could never see back then. Her BP is low 17/55 her temp is elevated 102.2 her blood sugar is low 65, Patricia is issuing orders I can't listen though all I can do is hold her hair back stare at her face which is so pale. I feel Dalton's look he's blaming me they all are, they shouldn't bother though no one blames me more than me.

Jaz never asked for anything in return she endured every blow every insult every threat every rape, she came home to me each night she did whatever I wanted never asking for anything, if I wanted to cuddle she cuddled, if I wanted to kiss or touch she obeyed. It makes me sick now I wonder if she was just so used to being used, that she allowed me to use her as well. I never thought about it back then now I feel dizzy my neck is stiff my heart racing.

McGuire has placed compression stockings on Jaz's legs to improve circulation stop pooling blood. We take turns cooling Jaz off than warming her up anything to get her BP leveled. I remember every night how she came back from that monsters apartment how small she felt how she was covered in bruises bites scratches, I would clean every one while she trembled, than I would kiss every one make her feel loved instead of hurt. Did it work though? In the blink of her eyes, the hint of her beautiful smile I thought I saw a thank you. Was I crazy? In the way she said goodbye before she went over there she was telling me she would endure it because it meant she got to come home to me and the way she said I love you every time we made love after wards.

I swallow so many unanswered questions I'll never forgive myself for being so weak back then, it's why I worked so damn hard at school why I fought to become a Solider not to make my parents proud or to follow in their footsteps. I long ago stopped caring about them or their exceptions. No it's because I knew I failed Jaz, I never wanted to feel that crappy again.

Everyday after I wondered how she was doing, if she thought about me hated me? Loved me? I went for jogs each morning to see the sunrise because the warmth of the sun took away the heavy fog in my soul. I wondered how the world still turned how it still felt so warm when I felt so cold, so weighed down. I wondered why god allowed me to carry on, why he didn't strike me dead, I must be a horrible person to allow Jaz to suffer. To allow my parents to control me.

I never wanted to fail anyone again so I pushed myself harder than anybody in my class, I studied longer, I swore I would become somebody's hero one day.

I never imagined Jaz and I would end up on the same team even if we are worlds apart me in D.C at DIA & Jaz in the field. Yet life has a way of saying Fuck you Hannah and laughing in my face. Now I have to face my regrets.

Lord I don't know if I am ready for this. Breathe Hannah because for once this isn't about you. It's time to put Jaz first. Slowly her eyes crack open she moans a little Dalton is quick to race to her side helping her to sit up. Patricia holds a glass of OJ to her lips making her sip her head rests against his shoulder, I step back knowing my time with her is over. I was her past I screwed it up, Dalton is her future, he's a better person than I am, he won't screw this up.

He helps her to slowly eat a piece of toast with peanut butter and Strawberry jam she use to hate peanut butter she said it was too sticky, when did she start to eat it? He kisses her temple so tenderly I know instantly he's sleeping with her, it goes unnoticed by most of the guys. Patricia sees it I know, she remains silent.

For the next 45 minutes McGuire makes her walk around base slowly but enough to get her vitals even out. We eat lunch move around a little more she sleeps for little intervals. We take turns watching her none of us speaking to each other the air is too heavy with mixed emotions.

When she wakes up again Preach asks the question I know everyone else is thinking but afraid to ask.

" _Jaz if this happened years ago why all of a sudden last night did you try to.._

" _Off myself?"_ Jaz asks bluntly causing all of us to shuffle our feet as she rises her breathing heavy again not panic attack heavy just weight on her shoulders heavy.

" _Yeah Basically girl"_

" _I got a call last night from Patricia that Sargent Park had taken leave for personal reasons, she had heard rumors from a friend that considered her she urged me to get checked out, so I did she made me promise to call her when I was done"_

Patricia looked to her team as she said the next words.

" _She never called so I knew she was in trouble, I grabbed Hannah and we flew out here"_

" _What kind of trouble?" "Jaz talk to us what's wrong?"_ Adam is scared now as he speaks to her.

She's biting those damn lips again I can see her face twist in agony my heart breaks because I can see her struggling with the words, their just words they shouldn't have such power. Yet their twisting her up, making it hard to breathe. I can see the tears shining in her eyes, shes ashamed she's afraid. Adam has turned her around so she's standing in front of her. He's lifting her chin trying to look into her eyes.

" _I'm so sorry Adam"_

" _Sorry for what Jaz you have nothing to be sorry for"_

" _Yes I do"_

" _I got tested yesterday...my test came back positive"_

She's shaking as the next sentence comes out of her quivering lips. The words stop us all cold.

" _I tested positive …_

 _I'm HIV Positive"_

" _Adam, Hannah you … you both need to get tested I am so sorry…_

I should be worried about myself about Dalton the look of horror on his face as Jaz wrenches herself free bolting. I can't though I heard her words as clear as a bomb going off in front of my face.

"I'm HIV Positive"...their only three letters..they make up one damn word yet that word has the power to change my life even end it. I can't feel anything for myself for the first time in well maybe forever. All I feel is pain for Jaz. she's had to endure so much already and now...Now this….

My fist slams through the wall with such force I don't even feel the bones crack I know there has got to be at least a dozen or so broken bones, I feel none of them...I hear their worried voices above my scream. I can't turn to look at them not before the darkness takes over me.


	12. Chapter 12

**Title: The Power Of Words and Dreams**

 **Location: Incirlik, Turkey**

 **Date: 1/1/2018**

 **P O V: Jaz Khan**

 _ **I wanna live**_

With every beat of the piano in my ears my feet pounded harder, my legs worked faster I felt the muscles burning as I tore through the path.

 _ **I wanna love**_

Love what a natural basic connection most people never have to think twice about who they fall in love with, they meet someone in class in their neighborhood or even on the bus hell now a days even online. They chat maybe flirt sure there are nerves but they do it without fear of judgment win or lose. Maybe they land a date or gain a new friend, maybe they take it slow build on the new found friendship talk to the other person get to know them and over time develop that new friend into something more.

Soon their holding hands in the park passing notes in class giggling over the phone over late night conversations. Going out for coffee in a group or to the movies. They share intimate jokes, dreams talking about the other person to their friends, writing their crushes names all over everything they own.

Sweat is pouring down my whole body as I push myself past the limit of what I should be doing, I can't stop the beach is amazing the sand taking a pounding beneath my feet. The salty sea breeze helped cool me down as I headed upwards. Stopping to catch my breath I looked out towards the ocean god it is so massive, the sheer power of it all made me feel so small. Yet it calmed me, as rough as the sea could be it held such magic such beauty. It's amazing to me looking back at my life that I have come so far, I never imagined I would escape his grasp, he was like a demon slowly sucking my blood, breath and hope from me with every touch every demonizing word. Now here I was on a special force ops team halfway around the world.

Life has a way of taking you by the wind and blowing you into a path you would of never seen ten years ago. When I was dating Hannah we were so scared we couldn't tell anyone we lived in a world of secrets and lies, we were tense in fear of discovery too afraid to even pass lingering looks in class. She played it cool with her friends laughing at the jokes cute boys told her pretending to enjoy when their hands roamed her body, she dissed me for her girlfriends in the halls. Offering me a million apologies when we were alone always playing the "I'm doing it for us card" so if that was the case why did it hurt so bad when she wouldn't even look at me or defend me when her so called friends made snide comments about me, tripped me in the halls, wrote nasty things about me on the bathroom stalls? There were many times I wondered if she truly loved me, if this was some sick game to her.

Why would she want to be with me? She was rich popular smart funny she came from an amazing powerful family, her whole future was planned out for her she was set. Why would she risk it all to be with someone like me? She said all the right things "Your Beautiful Jaz" "I love only you baby" "I can't live without you"

I tried to believe her yet inside there was always this voice that kept telling me "Your Not good Enough Jaz" Some People call it their voice of reason well all my damn voice did was laugh at me. Maybe in the end though my voice knew better since Hannah left me cold and dry no explanation at the time all I knew was that she came out to them, I suspected they reacted badly since they both threatened me to stay away from her. I thought she would put up a fight though not just go willingly with them. I thought I was worth the fight, I guess I wasn't.

She had to know how brutal my days were she had been my only friend even if most of it was in secret, at least then I had someone to cuddle with talk with dream with, without her I was left with empty promises, broken dreams mostly though a broken heart and a million questions.

I was bullied so brutally everyday that getting out of bed was a struggle being beaten down by my own peers tripped called viscous names, it was pointless to get up. I laughed when I was home on the weekends but in school I remained frozen in a wall of fear shame and sickness. My clothes were stolen almost every day my books destroyed getting me in trouble in class. I could fight them physically that wasn't the issue, the fact was that I just didn't see the point. I wasn't happy why fight to live a life I couldn't care too shits about?

Obliviously no one else cared about me even God had given up on me he gave me a dad who hated me for just being born a girl, a mom who loved drugs more than her child, he lead me into the path of that gang, he brought me into Hannah's world he showed me laughter love and hope just to snatch it away and he gave me Sargent. Park the Demon.

I reached the gym grabbing my gloves I knew I should stop catch my breath my shirt was soaked in sweat. I couldn't stop though I didn't want to, my nerves were so coiled up I felt like a caged animal. My stomach rises I swallow hard fighting it down, Letting out a deep breath I screamed my fists going into rhythm as I pounded the shit out of the bag.

 _ **I can live a lifetime living these lies**_

 _ **I can laugh and act okay**_

 _ **I can show a smile and say I am happy**_

Lies I know I am not okay I haven't been okay in a long time, I take the pain the anger and use it as fuel punching, kicking, swearing as the bag flies back with little time to come back before I send it flying again. It doesn't take the pain away it doesn't make it or me "Okay" they say it gets better over time, according to every shrink Patricia has ever sent me to.

It gets better sure listen to every celebrity it's all the damn rage now. I call it bullshit it doesn't get better, "You" get stronger "You" get wiser..you learn to not give a fuck...you learn to bury it because "It" scares people. They've never taken the time to walk a mile in your shoes, they can never understand.

I know I'm breathing too damn hard it's been hours since I got to the gym my bra is soaked so badly it's dripping, my legs are burning, vision hazy, even my pants are wet. I've had to pee for the last hour but I refuse to quit not as long as these damn tears keep threatening to spill over. I will not cry I am not weak!

My knuckles are bleeding badly sore I can barely move them I keep pounding every insult every physical assault, every bruise every wrong ever done to me pours out of me. I stumble to the edge as my stomach rises again this time I am unable to hold it inside.

I'm shaking coughing sweating shivering dizzy my eyes burn as I try to stand throwing off my gloves, maybe I over did it slightly. I grip the edge of the bag big mistake the bag moves sending me crashing down as I hear Adam's voice ringing out.

 **A/N: I own Nothing Lyrics belong to Ryan Dolan watch the Brave live Mondays at 10 on NBC, Tonight is part 1 of the 2 part finale for Season one keep retweeting #RenewTheBrave we need a season 2!**


	13. Chapter 13

**Title: The Power Of Words and Dreams**

 **Location: Incirlik, Turkey**

 **Date: 1/1/2018**

 **P O V: Jaz Khan**

" _Jaz look at me"_

I can hear Adam's voice ringing inside my ears it's fussy mixed with a loud buzzing my head is spinning, all I see is white, so much white it's scaring me, I can feel someone taking my hands which are sore, why are they sore? What happened? Where am I? Everything is so confusing to me right now. Why am I so damn hot? No it can't be that damn white room, no they rescued me didn't they? Was that a dream? Is this a dream? Or a nightmare? What the hell is real, who's taking my hands? Arthur no I killed him didn't I? Why am I so confused? Did I dream his death? I swear I can feel his neck cracking between my knees, or was it a dream?

" _Jaz unclentch your hands sweetheart I need to exam them"_

No not Arthur this voice is too soft too concerned Arthur didn't call me sweetheart, I would of killed him. Adam it has to be I know his voice anywhere; I've dreamed of his sexy hoarse voice calling my name for years. Why did he need to exam them? Their my hands I know their okay I was just using them wasn't I? What was I doing again?

" _Jaz sweetie can you hear me? Jaz?"_

I can feel my body being lowered why can't I move? What is going on? What is he pressing to my forehead? It's cool I feel the wetness soaking through my heat, " _Jaz I need you to stay with me Jaz can you answer me? Jaz your body is overheating, your_ _dehydrated"_ I can hear every word he is saying I just can't respond, I can feel him pushing something to my lips forcing them to open. Slowly my eyes are opening, everything is still so fussy _._

" _Jaz I need you to drink can you hear me?"_

I must of made some noise some response I can feel his chest exhale why can I feel it so close to me? Light pours through as I crack my lids open a final time, I'm almost blinded now. My body shoots up before I can processes what has happened, hands hold me down. " _Jaz relax Jaz!"_ I can't my mind flashes back to that room I can feel the knives on my skin cutting as the guys laugh, Arthur questioning me.

"Sargent _Khan!"_ Adam's voice is stern snapping me back to the present moment my breathing is heavy too heavy it takes too much energy to hold my body up, I can feel myself sinking " _Jaz Jaz"_ His voice is panicked now I feel him slap me again which helps calm me shockingly my breathing eases my vision clears slightly. I hear him let out a deep breath as he lifts my head slowly cupping my face pulling me against him. I can feel his heart beat fast scared as he presses something to my lips again.

" _Damn it Jaz drink now your dehydrated"_ water sweet glorious water rushes into my mouth filling my dry cotton mouth. His hands are so soothing as he runs them over my skin rubbing small circles along my back, sides, arms _._

" _Jaz talk to me"_

" _Adam I can't"_

" _Why? You told us what happened to you babe you have nothing to be ashamed of, Jaz your one of the bravest people I have ever met in my life, I am so sorry you went through all this on your own"_

" _Jaz I need you to listen to me you've been too strong for too long you need to let us help you"_

My hands are shaking as I try to sit up to drink the water instantly I get a dizzy spell so he pulls me back to him holding my hands closer to the bottle helping me to lift it. After a few minutes he helps me up holding me as we walk up and down.

" _I don't know what you mean Adam"_

" _Jaz you've held all this inside of you for so long I know you've been accustomed to handling everything by yourself, you don't have to do that anymore, I am here, I have your back, all of us have your back"_

" _Adam it's not that it's…._ Even though the dizziness has decreased I still can't find the words to express to him how I feel, why I can't confide everything in him. It's not that I don't want to talk to him, it's not that because I do want to talk to him, I want that so bad I just can't.

" _Talk to me Sargent we all have our breaking points Jaz I told you about mine how I felt when my hands were around that Soldier's neck, how badly I wanted to slice his throat I met my dark side Jaz, I let that anger my pain take control, sure I snapped back but it's never gone away not fully, we all have anger inside of us darkness, it's up to us to not let that light get out shined by that darkness"_

We stop pausing at the bag he pushes a protein bar to my lips biting down I chew slowly swallowing. He takes it away replacing it with the water bottle again. How could he understand how I was feeling? I know what he is trying to say that we all have moments of weaknesses we all have pasts mistakes we've made. I'm not ashamed of the mistakes I have made in work, I did what I had to even when it meant taking a life. I am ashamed of what has been done to me through no fault of my own, so how messed up does that make me? I could end a life without hesitation yet I can't forgive myself for this.

" _Jaz we're a lot alike my dad I mean he was a good man he served this country proudly but it messed him up big time he couldn't deal so he drank himself to oblivion when he did he changed he became a bastard one who had no issues taking it out on me or Nova. We've talked about this before babe I was a kid I was defenseless helpless,_ _I couldn't stop him then, just like you couldn't stop Sargent Asshole from hurting you, this is not your fault Jaz, no more then what my dad did to me was mine, it doesn't make me weak it doesn't take away my love for him either"_

I pause as he takes my hands I feel so weak so tired so helpless god I hate feeling helpless he couldn't understand how I felt not really.

He loves his dad despite the wrongs he did to him I haven't couldn't forgive my dad. I didn't want to forgive him I don't even know how my dad came into this conversation though. I must of stared at him because his beautiful lips slowly turn into an upwards grin. I can't take my eyes off those lips damn their sexy I want to kiss him.

Pain ricochets through my hands as he checks them over causing my eyes to shift down blood is seeping through what must be hundreds of cuts lining my hands. I swallow seeing it seeping through at a pretty rapid pace. Why am I staring? It's just blood isn't it? Red dripping thick sticky blood people bleed all the time. So why is it that I am so afraid of him touching me? He's tended to me before when I've been hurt like in Teran I never freaked out before.

Why now? Why can I feel my heart pounding inside my chest? Why can I hear ringing in my ears or feel my throat swelling up? Why am I swaying? Why am I shaking so badly? Adam's holding my hands which are lying flat in his palms nothing unusual we've held hands many times before he's kissed my hands traced each finger to the center palm. He knows them inside and out. This shouldn't be a big deal yet it feels like it is.

My knuckles are a bleeding mess that's why they hurt I glance back at the bag I was plummeting a few minutes before he came in. So much anger so much pain I had relinquished upon that bag, it wasn't a big deal though I've been boxing for years been injured many times. Adam is quite as he presses a towel against them.

" _Bleeding pretty bad_ _Cobra_ _Khan looks like you did a number on them"_

" _Cobra?"_

" _Yeah Your like a venomous snake tearing through the bags like a snake tears through his victims"_

Venomous just like my blood drop after drop falls into Dalton's open hands, hands filled with many cuts some almost healed some still slightly open. I can feel the signs of a panic attack coming on I just can't stop it. My head is fussy breathing heavy vision hazy chest feeling tight, my legs are weak again.

My blood is poison it can kill me...it can kill anyone who comes in contact with me...Adam….I didn't even know I was cable of the primal scream that escaped my mouth until it did. His arms wrap around me but I am in full freak out mode shoving him aside. I can't I won't let my disease hurt him.

" _Jaz stop sweetie stop it's okay"_

His arms wrap around me I fight like crazy to get him off me everything is spinning so fast I can't stop the world my legs give out from under me. He's talking I hear his voice but it's a blur my ears are ringing loudly head buzzing.

How can he say it's okay? How can any of this be okay? My blood is lethal as deadly as any sniper gun I've ever fired as fiery as any explosive I've ever seen, if there's enough of the virus in my blood it can pass on to him can't it? I don't know enough to not be afraid my fear takes over I won't be the reason he gets sick.

" _Jaz baby stop please stop"_

I can't stop doesn't he get that? I want to I just can't it's like I'm back in that damn room again strapped to that chair, I can't escape no matter how much I fight. I can kick I can scream I just can't fucking escape. Everything is too white my vision is accosted obstructed by this blinding obscenity. I'm dying I can feel it, I can't stop the falling I can't get up I can't make any of this stop.

Why won't it stop?

My chest is so tight why can't I breathe? I can see Adam's face filled with fear I just can't respond I feel scared, anxious, confused nervous sick...So sick...my stomach is rising but my throat is so dry I can't vomit.

I'm on the fall I can see myself I can see Adam I just can't move or stop I hear my own voice screaming. Than I stop I still can't move or swallow why can't I swallow? I can't breathe….I'm dying...I need my razor it's the only thing that's ever calmed me down.

 **A/N So for my next fic would #bravers like to see a story about Jaz and Dalton meeting as teens or Jaz and Dalton raising a kid together? Either fic would have the timeline seriously altered.**


	14. Chapter 14

**Title: The Power Of Words and Dreams**

 **Location: Incirlik, Turkey**

 **Date: 1/1/2018**

 **P O V: Jaz Khan**

" _Jaz sweetie listen to me your safe your okay"_

He keeps saying those words he's lying I am not okay I haven't been okay since I don't remember. Can't he see I'm dying! The walls are closing in everything is getting smaller my air is so restricted I am gasping, I can't breathe my hands have clamped up I feel like my head is ready to explode.

" _Think of the waves Jaz crashing against the shore, think of the feeling of the warm ocean breeze as you lay on the sand while the sun kisses your golden skin, think of walking hand in hand with me along the shore while the sunrises, the sand in between your toes, my body pressed against yours, the sounds of seagulls laughing."_

I could see this inside my head I felt his hands stroking my hair calming me like an anchor slowly my breathing eased as I felt his lips against my forehead, than my checks closing my eyes I let the picture fill my mind take over my senses. I felt the water the sand I heard the birds, I heard kids laughing smelled the fire as it burned while the sunset, I saw the kids roasting Marshmallows I felt his chest hair on my check, as I came down I felt his heart beating strong calm as his hands held me against him.

" _Feel better Jaz?"_

I did slightly he kissed my head as he handed me a water which I gulped down again feeling thirsty beyond belief. I felt him watching me god he must think I am so weak. His hands pulled me back to his chest so I was laying with my back against his chest now his hands laying in my lap as my knees curled up to my chest.

" _Jaz I need you to trust me enough to talk to me"_

" _I know I get it your my CO I did something stupid I am sorry Adam it won't happen again"_

" _Damn right it won't Jaz because unless start talking to me opening up I am pulling you from active duty"_

" _What you can't do that!"_

" _I can and I will so either start talking to me or get ready to be benched from all missions and start seeing Xander again, because it's him or me Jaz"_

I don't know how my legs supported me when I sprung up my anger was fueling every step who did he think he was? He had no right to ever threaten me challenge me.

" _Your angry Jaz I get that I respect that"_ He threw the bag towards me grabbing my gloves I met his eyes. The second the bag came towards me I struck it hard sending it flying again. " _Express that anger Jaz don't bottle it up because it will take you over"_

" _Talk to me let me in I promise you that you'll feel better"_

" _What do you want to hear Adam?"_

" _All of it"_

Staring at him I swallowed how sick was he? He wanted to know every detail about what happened to me. How did he think that would make me feel? To relieve it to know he is now seeing everything inside his head.

" _Unless your too chicken"_ Chicken? Really? I punched the bag over, over my anger taking over as he throws the bag dancing out of it's way eyes staring into mine.

" _That's what I thought this big bad bold act it's just that an act your a coward Khan, sure you can shot someone knock someone out defuse a bomb, but when it comes to the hard shit the real shit you don't have the guts"_

" _Fine you want to hear it Adam all of it where shall I start?"_

" _Oh I know why I don't start by telling you how he made me strip for him to music while he jerked himself off, no wait what about the fact he threw me down on the bed handcuffed me to the bed while he shoved his fingers inside of me, how I begged him to stop how he hit me calling me a cry baby a loser a weak baby how he was going to make me a women"_

" _Not graphic enough Adam?"_

I saw the look on his face the haunting in his eyes as I slammed my fists into the bag so hard he almost got knocked out, he was sickened hearing the details.

" _Why I don't tell you how it felt to have my tissue torn open it felt like a thousand jackhammers all entering my vagina at the same damn time, he laughed at my pain. He blamed me for bleeding so badly that the blood soaked through the bed protector and stained the mattress"_

" _You want to hear how I begged him to pull out you think he did?"_ I didn't give him time to answer not that he had an answer anyway the way his lips were frozen together so dry so tightly closed they were white.

" _He didn't he came inside of me every damn time, the bastard laughed he thought it was funny when I begged, he called me a fucking dog"_

" _A dog Adam he made me bark, he made me beg for food like a dog would he used his belt when I refused to do what he wanted never on my face though he wasn't stupid always on my ass, he made me get on all fours and he whipped me. He got angry when I didn't cry or bark so he would pin me against the wall he raped me smashing my head against the wall."_

" _Jaz slow down on the bag"_ The bag was rocking so hard now I thought it was going to spin off the chain holding it. So many memories flashed through me as I spat out all these sick details it made me dizzy. I missed a step which made me miss the landing, my fist connected with Adam's jawline sending us both into a state of shock. I stumble back as I see the shock etched in his face he rubs his jaw.

Shit Shit! I just punched my damn CO oh god what did I do! How stupid am I? How weak oh god he's going to flip out on me! He will never see me fit for active duty now. The walls are closing in again my chest is too tight, I can't breathe. I hear the strangled sound escape as I feel myself crack. One tear drop escapes, it's over everything I had ever worked for. Everything I was forced to endure it's all over now. The next drop falls fat wet sticky followed by a cascade of tears.

" _Breathe Jaz breathe"_ Adam pulls me to his chest crushing me into a bare hug I can't stop the river now as it starts to flow fast the rapids taking me under their currents. He doesn't stop me just holds me running circles over my back whispering soothing words to me. " _It's okay Jaz let it out sweetie I'm here I won't leave you. You have my full attention Jaz anything you need I am here for you" "Don't be afraid to let it out Jaz there's no shame in tears"_ I don't know how long we stayed like that me crying him holding me but at some point he lowered me back to the ground holding me kissing my face as the tears flowed freely my chest aching less and less as I cried my heart out.

" _Look at me look at me"_ He lifted my chin to look into his eyes " _Listen to me THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT; Jaz I am so sorry you had to grow up so fast so young I am sorry no one protected you, I am sorry that some jackass thought it was fun to take away your choice to silence your voice, but you are here Jaz you are alive and stronger than anything he could ever do to you"_

" _Am I?_ My voice was thick hoarse from all the crying he brushed away some remaining tears " _I don't feel stronger Adam I don't know how I feel anymore the assaults changed me Adam before Sargent Park I thought I was a bad ass a tough street kid, he made me understand it was a front I was really a weak kid, I didn't know how to even think about it, accept it, how to not blame myself or think it was my fault. It was something that really changed my life, it changed who I was completely, it changed my body, it changed my thoughts. He made me see myself as nothing more than a body a piece of ass a pair of titties nothing of real value."_

" _He diminished you Jaz he took pieces of you he took them as your whole he dismissed everything else about you he made those things like your beautiful eyes, your desire to help people, your musical talent, your laughter which is like a slow crescendo of the most beautiful melodies, he made them insignificant, which you allowed him to do you gave him that power"_

" _How did I give him the power?"_

" _Mind games Jaz you allowed him to see yourself as weak you believed what he was telling you, hell your still believing it, you refuse to allow any of us to show you just how wrong he is even after all these years"_

My anger reached an all time high shoving him back who the hell was he to judge me? He had no idea what I was going through. I couldn't stop I kept shoving him swinging at him my chest feeling tighter, my face heating up.

" _Jaz you have kept this secret for far too long you've carried this shame, this self blame, you let these words take over who you are"_

" _Rape, HIV, their just words Jaz they only have power when you let them stop letting them fight back talk to me talk to anyone who is willing to listen don't let them take over you, what happened is awful, it's cruel it's unforgivable, but you can forgive yourself give yourself permission to heal, you can overcome this Jaz. You are stronger than anyone I know"_

" _Strong are you crazy? Adam I cut myself I starved myself I tried to kill myself on many occasions"_

" _You didn't though"_

" _Because I was too stupid to even off my I self correctly"_

" _No Jaz that's not the case your not stupid you were lucky you were being watched over"_

" _By who?"_

" _God, Elijah, Dean I don't know but someone out there didn't want you to die, it's not your time babe. You found a way to deal sure it wasn't the healthiest of ways to deal but it got you through until Patricia got you out"_

" _It shows I am weak Adam"_

" _No Jaz weak would be giving up you fought you didn't give into those desires again you found new ways to keep going, you got into boxing karate you formed new dreams, you went after those dreams"_

" _Fuck lot a good it did me Adam now those dreams are shot to hell we both know I will be grounded after this deployment ends, Soldiers wit can not be deployed everything I worked to everything he put me through it's all for nothing now I have to give it all up"_

Adam grabbed my hands as I swung again was he right? Did I give him the power all these years? " _Jaz I know this hurts I know it feels like everything is feeling like your world is crashing down, it's not because I will be here by your side"_

" _Why? Adam I am damaged you could have any women why stay with me?"_

" _Because Jaz…._ He lifted my chin pulling me closer I found myself transfixed staring into his gorgeous eyes as mine swam with tears. " _Because Jaz I love you with all my heart, I want to build a life with you Jaz"_

There was something about his words they were so sincere so heartfelt they took me over.

" _Will build new dreams babe will start a new life together just the two of us"_

" _Adam I can't I won't ask you to give everything up for me"_

" _Your not asking Jaz I am telling you I love you more than anything in this world, I can't imagine my life without you, I don't want to after this deployment we will go somewhere take a vacation someplace warm, we will have fun relax just enjoy being together, than will settle somewhere where ever we want to build our life, will find new careers new passions"_

" _Adam…_

" _Shh…._ His lips silenced me with a kiss how did I ever get this lucky to have an amazing man who loved me who protected me who treasured me and didn't judge me?On days like this when I felt at my lowest I needed to hear these words maybe he was right words were just words it's how we chose to let them get a hold of us that we really start to understand their power on us, we are in control of how they shape our lives.

We can take the negative words like rape, loser, weak, dog, ugly, fat, bitch we can let them control our mind our actions or we can take them and counteract them with positive words, we can use words like beautiful, strong, survivor we can forge on.

He said the word that had the most power of all of them just when I needed to hear it. Love he loved me for who I am, not what I saw myself as.

He saw me as Beautiful he saw me as strong he wasn't the only one either as I leaned against his chest I thought back to the times Amir, McGuire, Patricia, Preach had all tried to talk to me. Every one said the same thing Strong, Bad Ass...Beautiful.

Sargent Park might have put me through hell but I came through the flames dancing to my own beat maybe just maybe I could find a new beat now. As long as Adam was by my side maybe I would find a new word.

Hope


	15. Chapter 15

**Title: The Power Of Words and Dreams**

 **Location: Incirlik, Turkey**

 **Date: 1/1/2018**

 **P O V: Joseph McG Mcguire**

" _Ow"_ Hannah's lips hissed the word as I worked on them she had really done a number on her left fist the whole time I was working on her she was virtually silent. I wondered what she was feeling thinking?

" _Hannah this isn't your fault"_

" _Isn't it? I knew he was hurting her, I did nothing to help her or stop him"_

" _You were a kid Hannah"_

" _I wasn't helpless I wasn't stupid I should of done something more"_

" _Like what Hannah?"_

" _I don't know damn it!"_

" _Than how could you have stopped this?"_

Hannah's frustration boiled over this time she broke down crying I wrapped my arms around her holding her rubbing her back. Sometimes we just need a good breakdown to build us up I can't imagine how this has been tearing her up all these years.

" _She hates me I can tell"_

" _Hannah Jaz hates herself more right now she just can't admit it so she's taking it out on you on Dalton on any of us, because it's easier to hate others than admit_ _your own weakness"_

" _How can I get her to see how sorry I am"_

" _Wait be there for her don't push her, allow her to have the time she needs to work through all this"_

" _Do you think she will forgive me? You know this Jaz better than I do"_

" _I think she will yes Hannah you have to start forgiving yourself it's the only way you'll ever be happy, even if Jaz doesn't forgive you Hannah you can't carry this forever, you have a beautiful soul a vibrant personality show Jaz why she fell in love with you, remind her of all the amazing memories not just the bad" "Besides you've saved Jaz's ass a few times since then she dose owe you that"_

" _I've done my job she owes me nothing McGuire"_

" _Hannah"_

" _Yeah McGuire?"_

" _Are you still in love with her?"_

" _No that ship sailed she's happy with Adam"_

" _Their not dating they.._

She laughed rolling her eyes she had a beautiful laugh. " _Please I know the look Jaz gets in her eyes when she's in love when she's hiding"_

" _Really how does it look?"_

She pulled me closer lifting my chin up so I was staring in her eyes. Which were beautiful.

" _Like this..._ I couldn't even breathe I was frozen in shock her lips connecting with mine. It's just a kiss McGuire you've had many it's just three little letters one word.

How did it have so much power over my whole body and mind?


	16. Chapter 16

**Title: The Power Of Words and Dreams**

 **Location: Incirlik, Turkey**

 **Date: 1/1/2018**

 **P O V: Preach Carter**

" _All the precious time  
Like the wind, the years go by.  
Precious butterfly.  
Spread your wings and fly"_

Jaz turns her body softly she's laying on her right side her arm tucked under her pillow all that long beautiful raven colored blueberry scented silky flowing across her slender body. I hear a small sound which sounds like a soft purr.

I am singing softly so I don't wake her holding her hand she hasn't been sleeping well in ages not since she was captured, so this is a rare beautiful sight. Gently I brushed a hand against her check to wipe some hair away from her eyes in case she did wake up.

She felt warm to me too warm brushing it back farther I see she's slightly redder now so I grab a thermometer relieved when it beeps and I see 98.2 no fever. It must be her hoodie gently I slide it off her left arm, picking her up I held her tight so she didn't wake as I slide it off her other side. Laying her on her back I hear her breathing change it's softer now still a purr like quality to it.

Lowering some covers I see a change in her skin color pretty quickly which I am thankful for. Sliding next to her I pull her slender body into my arms she lays back cuddling to me instantly something I am a little shocked by. Jaz has always had trust issues, she's always been guarded. I never knew exactly why. I knew bits and pieces about her up bringing, but until tonight I had no idea how deep they went.

" _I couldn't ask God for more, man this is what love is.  
I know I gotta let her go, but I'll always remember  
Every hug in the morning and butterfly kisses..."_

I trailed little butterfly kisses down her neck and checks like I had done for my little girls when they were just tiny things. She was so small now inside my massive arms a shock to those who know her as only as a Soldier. In the field Jaz is larger than life she has the sharpest shot of anyone I have known. My hands run over her biceps which are almost as big as mine. Jaz is physically as tough as any of us she has the mental stigmata to be able to stand the sights, sounds and imagines of a job as brutal as ours.

She's had to endure more shit than any of us guys will ever know tonight I learned just a little about those struggles. My anger soared at an all time level of abominable atrociously when I thought about how young innocent naive, trusting she was. If anyone ever touched my daughters in those ways ever made them feel so afraid so isolated small and helpless lord help that person I would stop at nothing to hunt those monsters down.

Jaz didn't have a daddy to love her protect her in many ways her dad was another demon who she needed protection from. She never had anyone who fought for her treasured her the way all little girls deserved to be treasured.

I thought back to all the times I held my three daughters Akua my oldest was 11 the last time I saw her we had just gotten a kitten, I recall her face as the little fella padded up to her rubbing it's soft fur against Akua's face she had laughed and picked up this fragile kitten. She was young so I thought I would have to warn her to be-careful but it turned out she was wise beyond her years she held this kitten with such care such love it brought tears to my eyes.

" _I'll call her bubbles daddy because she has such energy she doesn't know what to do with it, it's like she's been locked in a bubble of contaminate now she's so excited so she will need another bubble a bubble of love to be protected till she figures out this life thing"_

Bubbles had the sweetest little purr kind of like Jaz did now. She was relaxed in my arms I hadn't seen her look this peaceful in months. Maybe Jaz was switching between her own bubbles right now, transitioning from the pain of her past to the promise of her future.

" _Jaz you can be anything you ever want to be but you will always be our baby snipes"_

Gently I kissed her head letting her sink into the softness of the pillows which held her head firmly and the mattress which seemed to cuddle her body perfectly.

" _Oh, with all that I've done wrong, I must have done something right  
To deserve a hug every morning And butterfly kisses at night."_

Jaz may not be my daughter but she was my girl. She always would be our girl. Kissing her head I held her hand as I continued to sing to her.


	17. Chapter 17

**Title: The Power Of Words and Dreams**

 **Location: Incirlik, Turkey**

 **Date: 1/1/2018**

 **P O V: Jaz Khan**

" _The stars are so beautiful"_ Preach's voice startled me slightly as I yawned stretching out " _Yes they are, I never got to appreciate them growing up you know with the city lights and all"_

" _Now you can't get enough huh?"_ I nodded scary how he can read my mind sometimes his arm slung around my shoulders we both sat in silence as we watched the twinkling, nights like tonight they shone so brightly it almost made me hurt.

Why were they so bright? Were they mocking me? Were they trying to tell me something? Inspire me? He kissed my head turning to him I started to ask what that was for? I got the ruffle of the hair groaning I let it go knowing it was because he missed his daughters.

" _You'll get to see them soon Preach we have three weeks left before this deployment ends"_

" _If I make it"_ I hate when any of my guys talk like that so I shot him a look he knows I hate it always have it's even worse since Elijah died since I was captured. He shrugged offering no apology though. He didn't really need to though I guess he was only being honest our job was risky we faced death every single day.

I felt him squeeze my shoulder so I laid my head down on his. " _I'm gonna miss this"_

" _You'll be back Preach in a few months you'll reenlist and you'll be back here with all these guys"_

It made me sad to think of all my guys here without me but I didn't want to show him I know he already felt bad enough.

" _No Jaz I won't_ _I plan to retire it's about time I've spent almost all my daughters lives being overseas Akua will be 16 soon in two years she'll be off to college, I want them to look back at their childhoods and remember their dad in PJ's cooking dinner singing to Broadway tunes or working in the yard, not from face-time conversations letters and cards, jumping every time the news comes on with the name of another Soldier killed in action fearing it's their daddy"_

Retire that was a huge step for him I mean true he was getting close to that age where it wasn't practical for him to be overseas anymore. That didn't make it easy to decide he loves his job he is amazing at his job. He thrives on the action the adrenaline.

" _There comes a time where a man must step down let down his ego throw away his pride and do what he knows is right, men like Tops and I we don't sit back and wait for fate to take us by our balls we say fuck fate we make our own fate, it's how we got you out of Teran. Jaz when everyone else was saying to us give up, we said fuck you. Now we know it's time to say goodbye to one chapter, hello to the next"_

" _He says that now but believe me he won't give this up in a few weeks he will be roaring to get back"_

" _Jaz"_ I turn to him smiling he looks serious now as he glances down on me I start to feel strange. " _Don't blow this for him he'll kill me for telling you this but he plans to ask you to marry you"_

" _WHAT!"_

Everyone turns to us as I jump up spinning around where is he? I'll kill him! How did Preach know before I did? He's not at the grill anymore just Patricia who is staring at me strangely like I have gone mad. Hannah is curled into McGuire's arms, Amir is meditating.

Where is Adam Dalton? Spinning around I let out a scream as I feel myself falling tripping over something arms catch me holding me up. I find myself staring into Adam's gorgeous eyes he's smiling laughing.

" _See I told ya all she is always falling for me"_

" _Adam"_

" _Jaz will you do me the honor of becoming my wife? If you say yes I will let you go"_

" _Than No because I like where I am right now"_ I snuggled closer to his chest laughing as he plants little kisses across my nose.

" _Damn it I fell into that trap"_

" _Yes you did so I will offer you this a lifetime commitment if you offer me a lifetime of your strong arms whenever where-ever I need them"_

" _Damn women you drive a hard bargain but you have a deal"_

" _Leave it to Jaz to turn a marriage proposal around"_

" _You know Jaz she always has to be right and have the last word"_

" _Well I believe someone wise once told me words only have the power to affect you if you let them so I want to chose my words carefully"_

" _What words are you choosing now Jaz"_

" _One word three letters Y..E..S"_

Our lips sealed the deal with a kiss so passionate so full of love encouragement and desire I felt my knees go weak. There are still so many unanswered questions like is it even safe for Adam and I to be together? What is my virus load? What treatments will I need? Where will we live? How will we support ourselves? Will he regret this? Will he resent me?

Right now though all I care about is looking into his eyes for the first time I see the answer is in his eyes. Love it's all right there no matter what happens it will be okay because we have each other.

We don't need dreams because we are each other's dream, we don't need words, their powerless anyway. We have our hearts that feeling inside that is what is real that is what makes the connection.

 **A/N: So will Jaz and Dalton live happily ever after? Where will they go on vacation? Where will they live? Will Preach really retire?**

 **Want answers? Let me know if you want a squeal.**

 **So for my next fic would #bravers like to see a story about Jaz and Dalton meeting as teens or Jaz and Dalton raising a kid together? Either fic would have the timeline seriously altered.**


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